Shades of Gray

It is that time of year when days are shorter and gray days out number that of sunny days, and that is applicable to many things, some days my temper is shorter, my patience, and often my mood is more gray. I hate to think I have seasonal disorder as I actually do not dislike that the days are shorter or more gray, but obviously it does play a factor into my daily life. But that is not the shorter or grayer that I am here to chat about today. Today I am here to chat about going shorter and grey AGAIN!

A couple of years ago I shared cutting all my hair off and going all natural ( and not for the first time in my life) and embracing it and loving the ease and never having to color again. That rarely lasts with me. Each time I tell myself all that and even last time I honestly think I believed it and flaunted my silver, till one day I dyed my hair, just in the fringe with a bit of pink, just for fun. Before I knew it I was doing my whole head in shades of purple....it was a hit with my fans, friends and family. I eventually decided over the summer to go more fuchsia and shades of deep ruby pink, but it began to become a really hassle to keep it looking fresh...and would fade to an ugly tone that made me just want to cringe. Then I discovered Overtone conditioner and I thought that would help, but no luck, not by fault of the product, just my hair, so on a whim I decided to go over it with a deep blue black....OMGoodness it looked amazing and I felt snazzy, and the compliments came flying. But it faded VERY quick and that sickly pinkish brown came through, so I decided to go over it with GHASP permanent blue black...which it turns out was more black than blue *SIGH* ....so I added more blue via ION brand ( my favorite) in a few shades mixed together...not helping myself, at least as far as I could see, but I did "bleed" blue each time I shampooed more than I had ever done . I ordered Overtone silver and deep blue conditioners hoping to create as my hair grew, a denim shade and blending out the black some, softening it. Before I knew it, my head began to burn, YES BURN! Was it the non stop playing with color? Was it the permanent color ? Or was I suddenly having a reaction to the dye components in the Overtone colored conditioners ( as I did not have any reaction to pink I feel that was the only thing it could be), I did not know, but what I did know was my scalp was on fire, daily, and all day! When it was not burning, it was itching and feeling warm and even hurting.

 Now I do have fibromyalgia and so my head, even my hair does hurt on some level, but my scalp has never itched or burned. Could this be a flair? Or as I stated above did the over use of coloring products do it?  I have never had a reaction to any hair coloring in my past, I have been coloring my hair since I was 12! No matter the reason, I made the decision to go get my hair cut, cutting off my signature "Housewife Flip" last week and I shared this fact and the new haircut on my weekly YouTube video. I did not cut all the hair off, instead choosing to go with an Elizabeth Taylor style choppy pixie cut. it did not really remove all that much color, but I figured it was a start, and hopefully within a few months and before my photo shoot in April when I will be going to Viva Las Vegas, would be a good length and color all gone by then. The hair cut was a hit, but I was not loving that I suddenly had to blow dry, flat iron and work against my cowlicks just to look decent....Ok before you roll your eyes as you all know I used to have to wet and set my hair daily, using curlers and clips, prior to the cut , but I never used heat or at least not often, and as I soon found out was that my hair quickly dried out, my arms due to the fibro and arthritis, holding the blow dryer was difficult and uncomfortable, and then my scalp stayed on fire due to the heat! So here I was, color not gone, skunk stripe emerging, scalp on fire and not really even totally loving my hair. I was no better off. 

As each day became torture over the last week, I did a spur of the moment thing. I drove, while out running errands for my youngest daughter's 25th birthday, stopped at a Super Cuts near where I needed to pick some things for her party, went in, told the Jeanette, the stylist there to cut it all off. I said " Just take it! She looked at me wide eyed. I clarified and showed her a photo f me taken the last time I cut off all my hair color, two years ago, clippered short on the sides and back, and scissor cut very short so the hair only goes forward towards the front of my head, leaving my fringe long. She was a bit timid and suggested first a 5, then a 4 setting on the clippers, but I said do a 3, tho I was tempted to do a 2. I then made her take the top even shorter and shape it with the clippers as well as I have a horrible cowlick that makes my hair stand up on the side of the crown of my head. She did the best she could do to make it all lay smooth. Not all the color was removed on the top of my head, I probably have one or two more rounds to go, but 98 percent is gone from the sides and back up to my crown in the back.  It was a relief but also on some level I lost part of my identity. My Ruby's Musings Housewife Flip was gone, my 1950's Elizabeth Taylor cut was gone.... How would I be "me"? Would when I dressed in my 50's esq wardrobe and go out, be looked upon as authentic, instantly recognizable as being a retro/vintage woman? I do not even have enough hair to wear my hats right now! Suddenly I plunged into despair and regret and even embarrassment. I came home and put a scarf on my head and three days later not even my husband knows what I have done, other than seeing the charge on the bank account because of wearing a scarf during the day and a sleeping cap at night.  I shared with my bestie who told me she loved it. I shared with my youngest as I knew if anyone would "get it" she would. A couple random Instagram friends know, but have not seen. 

Two years ago, when all the color was cut off ,
except fringe and so I bleached it and dyed it
bright blue till it grew out. 

With a scarf on you can not tell I have gotten another
cut as the fringe still has color. 

There are a few ladies within the retro/vintage/pinup culture that have short pixie haircuts, but nothing like what is under my scarf...which is like the one above with blue fringe. I shared in my YouTube video "Power of the Pixie" all the actresses of the 1950's and early 1960's ( my style pocket) who had varied lengths of pixie haircuts. some where very short, even dare I say as short as mine is under my scarf, and tho they were not the general populous, they still wore feminine clothing as I love wearing, with the skirts and petticoats, but not living in that era I have had thoughts of would I still be identifiable? Would my brand I have built still remain intact?

Jean Seberg queen of the very short pixie,
mine is shorter. 

Mia Farrow, still longer than what I have.

Audrey Hepburn at her shortest length

 Yes, hair grows and eventually I could have my flip back, and look like my banner at top, but that will take nearly a year or longer. Certainly will not happen by the time April rolls around , when Viva arrives and some of the most "famous" pinup and retro ladies gather all in one place and I have a photo shoot that I have already partially paid for... what then? Will I stand out for the wrong reason? No longer fit in because my look is incomplete. Irrational thoughts? Yes, maybe, probably, most likely , won't know until the time comes. Am I being silly? I am pretty sure my bestie would say so with the utmost love. I am sure my hubby could really care less, and I have had a few in the culture that I shared this with support and comfort me...but for right now, for this day, or for the next few days, maybe weeks, my mind is as in as many shades of gray as the strands on my head...and I will most likely be rocking a turban quite a bit. Have you ever had a crisis of identity, made a beauty blunder or changed your appearance in a big way and regret it? I would love to hear from you. Have you embraced the gray and never looked back? Did it take you several tries? Go back to color? Perhaps you grew it out and just lived with the roots etc or did you cut it all off and then grew your hair back? Again would love to hear from you.