Another year and another piece of cake

Friday was my birthday. I was 44. There I said it. It was not the best birthday, but it was not the worst . Despite lack of money, there was celebration and show of love for me. There was a breakfast out with my middle daughter, as well as a piece of her beautiful art for my bedroom and even a card...a biggy for her. There was two cards from my husband. My youngest gave me a gift card for my favorite happy hour place that afforded me to go have a mini toast with a friend. That friend brought me a gift....all wrapped up with pink paper, and it was a gift from the heart ( the best kind) . At this happy hour there was a blue rum drink and junk food and companionship. After there was cake....there must be cake, and great wine.My oldest sent a gift card for Target, that allowed me to buy new undies...hey we all need to replace them from time to time!! I had message after message from friends and family on Face Book, how can one not feel as if they are special and touched a life with that kind of out pouring??? There was still things missing, and well can not put a finger on it, but maybe it is regrets for where I am in life, how I am dealing with life, even the double chin from 20 extra pounds that I see in the picture above! Maybe it is just our life situation or my Mom being so busy my special day slipped her mind till it was the day before and no card would come , I do love cards....but she did call.

I know this, I need to make changes.....I need to change my diet to feel better, to look better. I need to be kinder to myself , so that maybe by the time I 45, I will be 5 pounds lighter and lighter in mood as well. I need to let go of certain thought processes and be more grateful for who I have in my life, and what they have to offer as opposed to taking them for granted. I need to see the cup as half full instead of half empty. I need to come to terms with what I can change, and well what I can not. I need to listen to my gut feelings, but also hear what God is whispering in my ear. I need to embrace change and not fear it. I need to learn to breathe.

I know what I want from life. Relationships that are not filled with drama ...including the drama I infuse from my lack of self esteem , lack of security and major fears that I allow to take over. I want to shut down the voices in my head that make me want to cringe and hide from the world. I want to be able to accept love and encouragement, to grow from it. I want to be able to accept love and friendship without boundaries, rules and judgments. I want to enjoy life, all of it...big and small, good and bad. I majorly want to have normal discussions that do not involve the bad things in my life ( finances, relationship issues, my weight, my health...) . Is this all too much to ask or expect. I can not answer that at this juncture. But I can try to achieve them .

I know I have made great strives....I have accepted my gray hair...most days I actually think it is pretty, when once I would have shuddered at the thought!! I am ok with my few wrinkles, I have earned them . I am ok with not having the perfect body, have earned it by the three births I gave! And hey for the most part it is not too bad with all my health issues making weight loss an uphill battle... though the varicose veins that are showing up have me wanting to put on blinders. I am ok with a burger and fries lifestyle as opposed to the fancier foods . Two buck chuck wine can be as good as one more pricey. I am ok with living in an apartment as opposed to a house. I do not need as many new clothes all the time as I once thought, and I am ok with leaving the house with no make up on and being sweaty when I walk. I am also ok with my age. I do not need to be younger. Does not mean I would not like to be , turn back the clock etc. , we all miss our youth from time to time.

So as I face the next year of my life, this is the time for me to start on changes so that maybe by the time I am 50 the celebration can be huge and full of joy and bliss, and I can see a full glass instead of half of it , empty or full ! Till then , the diet does not start till Monday , so think I will go finish the other half of that piece of cake!