In a Funk

I have not been writing much this past week. I think I am in a funk. It happens from time to time. So much is changing in my world. I like change, but I like when the band aide is pulled of quickly , not slow and painful. I want the changes to be over and let's move on.

What changes you might ask would cause such a funk? Well there is a major one and many small ones. Our youngest daughter Angel is moving out, most likely this weekend, having found an apartment with her BF and another couple...they signed the papers yesterday, and get the keys tomorrow. We have known since she was 16 she would move out as soon as she could manage it. She has always been independent. Since she was a toddler she has been this way. She started working at 10 at a friends burger place, managed to run a Teddy Bear store on her own quite often at 15, and as soon as we moved here, got a job at a grocery store at 16, taking over her own bills, food , clothing and is saving for a car...so it is not like we have even raised her for the last couple of years.She has a mind of her own, goes after what she wants and achieves it.

  This is her, hamming it up recently at a family dinner. Yep, she is my mini me, or so everyone says. The last one in the nest. She rarely is here, always staying with her boyfriend ( who we adore) David. BUT her stuff is still here. I tease her that I shall miss the rent she pays to store her stuff here, as that is my fun money. In reality, I am going to miss seeing her, even if it is for fleeting moments, and just knowing she is in her room playing video games.

Her room is right behind my desk. It is nearly always a mess, and it drives me bonkers , and I can not say how often I go in and spray Fabreeze and grab dishes and take out the garbage. But it is my babies room. In the last two and half years I have had all three of my girls move out. One by one.

My oldest, Chanda, we rather ushered out, not the first time, but the last. It had to happen and it ripped my heart out, even if she does not believe me. It was for the best. We have a wonderful relationship via phone, but drive each other nuts instantly in person. Too much alike, and too different all at the same time. I still wish she was in California, so we could have time together, but not live under the same roof. She lives in Texas, it has been a real growing and maturing time for her, not always easy, but despite that, she is making it. We are proud of her, something else she does not believe I am afraid.

Our Middle daughter, Rebecca,

my partner in crime, met her "Mr." ( he would rather not be mentioned in blogs) not even a year into living back in California , via E Harmony...and quickly she was not often at home, and a year of them being together she officially moved in. They have lived together for just over a year now. But I see her often, and she really is my best friend past my hubby, and she has really stepped up during this last two years of being in turmoil over the loss of income and our home. She does all for me that I wish I could, should be doing for her as a parent, and I am humbled by it for sure...far too soon for her to step into that role .

I fear that we will never see moments like these with the girls, goofing off, enjoying each others company and not clashing because they have all changed so much and have very different lives..... no more together time, other than maybe a yearly visit from the oldest, which cause of the distance in miles has unfortunately created  even more of a distance in relationship.

 they barely posed for this , this past March.... they are very good at faking it for the camera .....

   No more family time where it is just us....

 I can not say I miss all the difficult years, but I really do miss all the good, even great times we had with our girls, and I miss having that built in circle of friends, shopping , lunch and travel buddies. And now, my last one, is flying out of the nest, and I am left with the cats.

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy for Angel. Excited for her. Scared out of my mind for her and will be praying daily that it all works out for her....but we are going to stay in the apartment, with two bedrooms for another year, walking distance from where she works just in case our little bird needs to fly back to the nest. That offer is always there for all our girls....even the oldest ( would just have to bite my tongue, a lot!) This is all just another change , on top of all the other changes this past year has brought...some good, some just ok, some we just have to wait and see what will happen.

But add these changes all together and it creates a funk. It creates writers block. Lack of funds because of hubbies new job taking a while to gear up money wise, creates less time out of the apartment, and that creates less things to blog about. I have decided to change our apartments decor in the LR (donating a few things to Angel and her roomies to feather their nest), but that change will take time, once again from lack of funds. I changed my hair, cutting and coloring, but it needs to be fine tuned, so that will take time. I am trying to change my body, but that too will take time...it too requires funds to afford what is needed, as healthy is not cheap. One thing as mentioned is not changing, and in an odd way I was hoping it would, even though I like it here well enough... and that is our apartment. We can afford now to stay with hubbies new job. Again all the changes, and well lack of changes happening quick enough has me just sitting in idol , and I do not handle that well.

I like to know what is happening , have a plan, my duckies in a row and no surprises. I have no idea what life will bring for the next year with an empty nest, a hubby whose work has made me a major work widow, no real money to entertain myself, and let's face it, alone time is nice, but it gets old very quickly. I can not get a job due to my fluctuation in health, I have no real hobbies past this , I truly do not know what I am or who to be. I was a Mom and a Wife all these years, now my girls have their own independent lives, and rarely need me, and my hubby cause of his work leaves early and comes home very late and heats his food up and then it is bed time for me. So I am little more than a maid...not what I want to be. I need to make more changes myself , to myself, for myself, I just do not know.

So yep, that too creates a funk...I did not realize all this was really brewing in my head and my heart until Angel's moving out became official. So that is why I have not been writing much, and just kind of taking all things slow in my daily life. I am sure this will pass. I have had funks before. I just need to get used to the current changes and then I will be just fine...I am good at bouncing back....it might just take awhile.