I have been feeling as if I truly need to remove the "pleasures of life" sub text under my header. But I actually do not know how and need my daughter. So once again the blog has suffered and evolved all at once. On many levels I am alright with that, and many of you , my friends seem to be as well. I truly appreciate you going on the roller coaster ride with me. Oh sure some of you have drifted away, but others have started to follow. I guess in some ways my life reflects what many are you are going through, and for others it is like when you slow down when car wreck has happens and is on the side of the road...you do not want to look, and then you can not help yourself. Oddly I am ok with that. Life is not simple. Life is not always pleasurable...but you have to have the bad to appreciate the good.
I was chatting with a friend that I felt guilt at how little I have been writing, and also that I simply did not want to continue with it on some days due to no day cations to share...I knew they would become less and less with the coming of the holidays. Money put into them need to go towards Christmas. No more French Girl Fridays; Tim Gunns book will not translate to a weekly thing. He said take a break, no one pays us. But I miss it when I do not do it. To me it is like missing time together with my best friends. he also said I need to pick a clear path and stick with it. I tried that in the beginning. Ruby's Musings had taken on a life of it's own. But, just like a good conversation with a friend over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine it can not always be the same. Life changes, life evolves.
You may say " hasn't it always been you?"I look at it from this view. My avatar sort of looks like me...but not really. My hair style changes a lot, my color goes from reds to blacks and everything in between. "Ruby's" clothing is indeed copied from things I own or wear, but most days I live in jeans and T or my Pjs and a robe with fuzzy slippers! So just as Ruby is my nick name, an alter ego, confident, saucy , flirty, and adventurous, yes all on some level parts of me , but not all of me. I feel like over the posts , over all these months more and more of Stephanie, my God given name, has seeped through and "Ruby" has taken a back seat . I would love to find a healthy balance....but I feel I have lost my way. Can not figure out how to get that back, and as my pain gets worse the path becomes even more lost. BUT I still continue to cling to the small things. Unwilling to let go, and I feel eventually they will help me get back onto a more pleasurable path day in and day out and help me stay on that path through the tough times.
I was watching The Talk today. They were mentioning insecurities. They had a poll on their web site. I wanted to check all the boxes. But of course all I can think about is my failing , painful teeth and how when they start to fall out ( and with the pain I had last night, I wanted to rip them out to make them stop throbbing!) will my husband look at me with the doe eyes full with love as he does now? Or will he turn away wondering what happened to the woman he married? He has always been understanding and wonderful over my chronic pain and being able to less and less and he needing to do more and more....many men would run away. But can I ask him to stay with a toothless , ailing wife? It is a HUGE insecurity, day in and day out.
I have many others of course. Holly Robinson Peet , one of the hostesses mentioned her squishy belly after four kids. I have that. I hate it. I am always insecure at how the skin appears when not hidden. Sharon Osbourn mentioned her tree trunk legs. I have always been insecure with my thick thighs and add the rippled skin, the spider and varicose veins showing up...I knew how she felt on how in the bedroom she turns off all the lights and should be a head on a plate. Marissa J Winokur mentioned her not showing her arms in a year cause of what a producer said to her on a show she was on....I felt her pain and identified with it, having always had large upper arms. I could go on, Patricia Heaton was on and talking about how things are shifting...and how she has gotten them fixed...feeling pressured cause of being an actress...I related only to the points of things shifting and wanting , wishing to get them fixed. Leah Remini said in a Twitter post that after the show some guy asked her if she was pregnant because she has a bit of a belly....I often look at myself and wonder if I look the same way if I eat something salty!
Again Insecurity seems to be worsening within myself and on some levels when watching the show I began to think, how silly am I ? Why can I not see myself in a pleasurable light? See what others see in me? It is like I am blinded by the chronic pain. I am blinded by the knowledge that soon, and I do mean soon, my lower teeth will fall out and I can not afford dentures. Seems to be all I can think of. That leads me to also be blinded by the financial woes we are still dealing with...the fact that I can not afford to shop, can not afford to go out, has somehow robbed me of my attractiveness cause I can not wrap up this "shifting" body in pretty clothing , as there is no point , just to sit and watch talk shows.
The show's women went on to say that one needs to do little things for themselves to feel better. That these little things may not change what is going on, or even how you totally feel about yourself, but it can, for a moment make you feel a bit better, and perhaps deal with it all with renew vigor. So I vowed to myself to do a few little things for myself...as I have been vowing for a few weeks now, to find pleasure in the small things...to live up to the sub text heading below "Ruby" and her Peacock.
So you will have noticed I find pleasure in sweets and the baking of them. Might not be the best for my teeth or waist line, and it is hard for me to bake as I can not stir the batter with all my aches and pains...but I still find pleasure in it . Your feed back has been great! So I shall continue with it. Maybe venturing into what we have for supper from time to time if we find a new recipe. I know I love recipes and well looking at food..looking at it has no calories. LUCKY YOU!
I love beauty products, and find pleasure in trying new things out. And from time to time I can afford a new nail polish or mascara or eye shadow etc. So today, keeping in mind, to do something nice for myself, and that it did not have to be a big, pricey thing. I bought a new nail polish.
I was inspired by this tree I took a photo of . I loved the deep reds. I decided that I would get my nails done today with a deep red paint instead of pink with white tips. I have not had my nails painted a color in YEARS, my hands shake too much to paint my own and the P&W's just look so clean and fresh...so it is all new to me again..of course I marred one right after it was painted and the tech needed to fix it ...need to work on that!
I went to Target, gave myself an under 5.00 limit and it had to be a quick dry in case hubby has to help with touch ups and so I do not ruin said touch ups LOL ! So I bought Sally Hansens Instant dry in "Wined Up"
and so here are the results...... What do you think??? The check out lady and the nail tech liked it...or I think he did, hard to understand what he was saying half the time. I loved the wide brush and how quick it dried...I have no patience to sit at the salon waiting for the nails to dry...I did not have to and THAT was a pleasure...to be able to leave shortly after the top coat was put on and cured.
Then I came home, played with my hair, brushing it a new way to give myself a slightly different look, put on a little mascara and some lip gloss that smells like bubble gum...I actually had a brief moment that I forgot about everything and relished in the small things that I was doing for myself, and realizing that even when my teeth do fall out, and no matter how hard it is to get around most days because it hurts so bad, that on a very small budget, I can feel spoiled and girly ..two of my favorite pleasurable things!! So to the ladies of The Talk, THANK YOU....thanks for being there on TV so I feel like I have friends with me in this empty apartment, and THANK YOU for reminding me to find pleasure in the small things despite all the BIG things I am dealing with.