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ANXIETY. Heart palpitations. No sleep. Worst case scenarios swimming in my brain. Tears hidden from those that care. Worry reigns supreme....THIS has been my last four days. On Sunday my husband came through the front door shuffling. He was moving so slow and not lifting his feet. it was like watching an old man walk. He had thrown his back out. He told me he had stood up, turned to reach for something and he felt a major twinge, his knees buckled and it was down hill from there. Still like the "superman" that he is, he finished the work day. When he came home was hauling a box of litter up the stairs to our apartment, and dropped his keys, stooped to get them and well we are sure that aggravated the situation.
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All day I waited on him, brought food to him on a tray, helped him re-prop, or make it to the bathroom to shower. He admitted he had over done it and should have listened to me. I thought perhaps a day of full rest and limited moving would really help as it had Monday. But the panic and anxiety started to rise up in me. Suddenly the thoughts of what would happen if it is worse than a pinched nerve? What if we could not get him to a doctor as my Mom suggested...and I had to tell her we could not swing the money for a visit, tests and medication. What if he missed so much work that work just let him go OR at the very least he could not, once back finish the month strong enough to make our rent, bills, buy food etc....we would end up living in our daughters house in a 10x10 room with what few things we own being stored away and dealing with being house guests...love our daughter, but it is my worst nightmare to have that happen. Hubby kept reassuring me and I did my best to pull the panic back in and lock it up.
I know part of this is from the fibro, some is hormonal issues, some part of it is so many times the worst has happened , be it cause I sadly willed it or no matter how many positive thoughts I had, it still happened and I was unable to stop it. I think another part of it is the fact that as a result of the past two years occurrences my foundation is cracked and damaged and just kept together with duct tape...and even that is weakened from the exposure of all the stress, especially recently with more health issues being revealed when I went to the doctor. I am not sure how to strengthen my foundation. My husbands reassurance used to be enough. That is no longer the case...he has been known to try to shield me from stress and bad things, then they happen and it is ten times worse. That being the case many times over has put a lot of cracks in my base foundation.
I had been doing so good, been more positive than ever before, relaxing a bit, being more joyful and even allowing myself (instead of making myself) spend a bit of money here and there to get things I need and even get a couple small luxuries like a new nail polish and lipstick. I thought I was becoming stronger, more able to deal with what life was handing out. I guess I really need to go back to the drawing board.
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