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Wednesday, March 16, 2011


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ANXIETY. Heart palpitations. No sleep. Worst case scenarios swimming in my brain. Tears hidden from those that care. Worry reigns supreme....THIS has been my last four days. On Sunday my husband came through the front door shuffling. He was moving so slow and not lifting his feet. it was like watching an old man walk. He had thrown his back out. He told me he had stood up, turned to reach for something and he felt a major twinge, his knees buckled and it was down hill from there. Still like the "superman" that he is, he finished the work day. When he came home was hauling a box of litter up the stairs to our apartment, and dropped his keys, stooped to get them and well we are sure that aggravated the situation.

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 I was still doing ok when Monday came around, we had already known that he would take the day off. It is his normal day off, but he had been working it for months to bring in extra money. I played nurse and tried to get him to stop shuffling around and trying to do things for himself...he even tried to help with supper, actually he did quite a bit of it, even when I was protesting...he kept saying he was doing better and was healing. Tuesday morning I found him on the floor in his bedroom. He had to sleep there all night. When he finally could crawl up using the bed, he had to use my desk chair like a walker. 

All day I waited on him, brought food to him on a tray, helped him re-prop, or make it to the bathroom to shower. He admitted he had over done it and should have listened to me. I thought perhaps a day of full rest and limited moving would really help as it had Monday. But the panic and anxiety started to rise up in me. Suddenly the thoughts of what would happen if it is worse than a pinched nerve? What if we could not get him to a doctor as my Mom suggested...and I had to tell her we could not swing the money for a visit, tests and medication. What if he missed so much work that work just let him go OR at the very least he could not, once back finish the month strong enough to make our rent, bills, buy food etc....we would end up living in our daughters house in a 10x10 room with what few things we own being stored away and dealing with being house our daughter, but it is my worst nightmare to have that happen. Hubby kept reassuring me and I did my best to pull the panic back in and lock it up. 

It took me a very long time to fall asleep last night. Even though I wrote it out in my journal, said my prayers, did my breathing, and tried to be a reasonable voice to the voice inside that was freaking out, the panic was still there. I got up this morning, the day hubby was to go back to work, and he was on the floor again...he said that it was more comfortable, and well though he got sleep, he could barely stand, walking was near impossible and he still had to use my desk chair, and even then at times he would wince with pain as his knees buckled! He had to call into work. It had been years since he has had to do that. Two times was due to his back. Each time he was out for nearly a week, but difference was, we had insurance and he was salary. Not the case now. And that is what the fear and anxiety is building on. I just simply do not have a control over it. 

Just amazes me how in a split second, I can allow myself to make my world turn upside down, see it in all the grim details before it actually happens, and all the while my husband telling me 1-2 days of missed work will be fine, he can make them up...I can not hear him. He says odds are it is a pinched nerve, all I hear is our daughters co-worker telling me he just healed from a herniated disk, 6 months out. I can not think rational, see rational or believe that everything will be ok. 

I know part of this is from the fibro, some is hormonal issues, some part of it is so many times the worst has happened , be it cause I sadly willed it or no matter how many positive thoughts I had, it still happened and I was unable to stop it.  I think another part of it is the fact that as a result of the past two years occurrences my foundation is cracked and damaged and just kept together with duct tape...and even that is weakened from the exposure of all the stress, especially recently with more health issues being revealed when I went to the doctor. I am not sure how to strengthen my foundation. My husbands reassurance used to be enough. That is no longer the case...he has been known to try to shield me from stress and bad things, then they happen and it is ten times worse. That being the case many times over has put a lot of cracks in my base foundation. 

I had been doing so good, been more positive than ever before, relaxing a bit, being more joyful and even allowing myself (instead of making myself) spend a bit of money here and there to get things I need and even get a couple small luxuries like a new nail polish and lipstick. I thought I was becoming stronger, more able to deal with what life was handing out. I guess I really need to go back to the drawing board. 

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  1. Don't know why it happens; it just does. These have been rough months for you and please know you are in my prayers. I hope by now hubby feels better and that some of that anxiety can be released. {{{HUGS}}}

  2. Lots of good reading here, many thanks! I had been searching on yahoo when I uncovered your post, I’m going to add your feed to Google Reader, I look forward to much more from you.


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