Nearly half way through the year and I definitely think I need to hit the good old reset button in my challenges that I set up for myself this year. I was doing so good, staying very positive, driven, eating better, walking nearly every day, and letting a lot of the daily stresses roll off my back. Nearly to month 5, and I have to grasp with a death grip to stay positive, have rather given up on my biggest dream of getting a gift of a new smile, and eating better has gone out the window and walking , yeah I walk, to the kitchen and back to the couch.
Today, as I sat on the couch watching The Judds on OWN, I not only was relating on so many levels, which of course made me bawl like a baby...ya know the "ugly cry" , but also made me realize I was doing so in my PJs and scruffy robe again. I had not advanced since the " This Is Me " post. How could I be so stuck ? What was it that keeps pulling me away from taking care of me. I do not want to even consider being depressed, meds never worked for me and therapy, well not in the picture, besides been there done that. But with fibro it is certainly a factor that is part of the disorder, but why am I allowing myself to succumb to it? It is like there is two of me and one side of me is this girly girl that is strong of spirit, strong of will and strong of motivation, but who easily, far too much so, slips into this other side of myself , the one that is fine with the bathrobe. I am so worn out by re-hashing this, and I am sure you are tired of reading it. I know so many of you like the lighter side of life....hey I do too! Just trying to figure out how to stay there. Get to the light and never look back!
So it as I said it occurred to me that I need to hit the reset button. And it seemed every blog and post I read today was confirming that....one friend posted about shying away from the negative, I have been bombarded by it for two weeks now....and feel I am drowning in it. Reading over on Queen Of Your Own Life and Cindy's blog today about not putting herself off, not getting amnesia in the area of taking care of herself. WOW! That hit home. I emotionally, physically and spiritually in a way try to take care of everyone in my life. The current situation I have been dealing with in my family has lead me to feel guilt, remorse and sadness all over the fact that I can not make it all better...totally ignoring myself in the entire situation and what impact it has had on me. Quote after quote, blog after blog was following the similar theme...I truly want to know why as women that we do not take care of ourselves, always putting others first. I believe the quote that says until we take care of ourselves, we can not care for others...yet I do not follow that. I know it in my brain, I do, but can not seem to apply it. I even have a hard time letting others take care of me, it is almost like it angers me when others want to. I do not understand where that comes from. Do you often feel that way? I know from what I am reading as of late I am not truly alone in this, but would love to hear your stories. Maybe together we can all hit the reset button.