Duster in Hand

One of my idols ....Mrs. Cleaver, YOU ROCK!

I have always had a June Cleaver complex, someone I wanted to live up to, and try to be. I grew up watching reruns of the Cleavers on a channel that ran a lot of the old time shows. I loved how she was really the person that wore the pants in the house, yet did so quietly and properly and of course wearing her pearls. I loved how she seemed to enjoy her life as a housewife...of course that could have been my childhood perspective and I am absolutely sure that it was what was expected and written for the era. But she did inspire me. I would get lost in the show, and others like it , my own family not being so perfect, my own mom not being a person who enjoyed being a mom or a housewife.

I grew up playing with dolls, always wanting a string of pearls and the perfect heels, wanting to be a life and a mother. I kept that dream as I was growing up. That was my life goal, even though in the eighties it was not a cool thing to say that is what you wanted to do with the rest of your life. I think my obsession with June Cleaver lead me to dress very retro for the bulk of my teens and then again in my thirties. I still adore shirt dresses worn with simple pumps and a string of pearls. Doing my housework with my apron on and humming a tune from days gone by. Yet as I mentioned the other day I have been living in my robe, or if seen outside the four walls in my walking clothes and shoes...my uniform has changed and with it how I view myself and feel about myself.

It was if I put my inner June Cleaver on the shelf because my children had grown up and we moved to an apartment that rarely needed much to keep it clean, and certainly there was no dirt to dig around in a lovely garden ( always loved seeing June in her shirt dress, pearls, heels, and perfect little gardening gloves.) and rarely a need to cook all day. But I know she is still there, and I so desperately want to get her back. When I wrote my post the other day, many suggested I try one thing  a day to recapture myself, bring myself back to the surface. So it is my goal to start doing that. Instead of sitting around I plan to clean as much as my body will let me, as I do find it relaxing once I work past the pain. The satisfaction in a clean and orderly house is huge for me. Yet, I always become lax because my husband will say it is clean enough, or cleaner than others and so when I really scrub things down he does not take notice. But I feel lighter when things are as they should be.

Ok, I am giggling now, as I hate to iron LOL

I have been baking as you know, dangerous as I have not been walking, but cooking and baking and showing my love , expressing my creativity through food as you may know if you have been reading my posts for awhile is a such a huge part of me, something that over the years I had given up on between picky eaters and lack of money to buy the ingredients. Those two things have not changed of course, hubby is still picky and we are still pretty broke, but I am making a lot of sauces that are cheap and dress up that bargain meat and the few simple ingredients needed for baking I have managed to squeeze in. When Frank is on my radio and the smells of home cooking whafts through the apartment, it seems that all is right in my world for just that moment and I can hardly explain the peace that rolls over me, if only for that short time period. And IF my hubby remembers to compliment me on the food he just ate down to the last crumbs, the feeling returns.

So I guess in a way I have already begun, in small ways to re-find my true self. So I proudly wave my duster that is in my hand, pearls around my neck and my housewife crown sitting upon my head and start on this challenge, this journey to add one thing, if not each day, then as I am able, back to my life till it becomes the norm and helps me regain and grow those steps I mentioned yesterday so that perhaps one day I shall not have to take so many back and I can let my true self  be the one that everyone sees.