At first I was not sure that I was going to be able to do so, that I would not make more steps back and not be able to maintain that "one step". The day started with me still being visited by "Mother Nature" , going on 9 days now between spotting and what seems a normal one now. I received a call from The Susan G. Koman foundation to help me get on the list for my free mammogram, which I was glad for, as I have been waiting to have that happen for months. I informed the lady on the other side of the phone that I had seen a doctor, had to pay for one as I could not get into the Planned Parenthood for an appointment. I shelled out 160.00 to a private OB/GYN so I could get my referral sheet to get the free mammo, what I had been told to do months ago. I was never told I could not go to my own doctor and still qualify. I still was not told during the first phone call...YES I said FIRST. A few moments later, they called back. I did qualify for our states "No Woman Left Behind" program, so would not have to wait for Aprils funding round, a program I found out would have paid for my yearly exam as well....too late now. So I called the new number and went through giving all the info out again, only to be told I would have to have ALL the exams I had already had just this month to get a new referral and I had to go to the PPH, a place I had not been able to get an appointment at , and had tried for over two weeks to do so..giving up and paying my own way; something we simply could not afford.... we still have a bill to pay. Frustrated I called back the first place, but was told because of age I did not qualify for their program and had to use the other. Square one. By the grace of God the woman on the other end of the phone must have felt my frustration and called PPH for me and made me an appointment for just a breast exam to get that all important referral sheet. needless to say I truly needed to get out of the house. The black cloud was growing again!
|Image found on google.com|
I decided I needed a walk, I had seen patches of blue skies and my computer said it was 54 degrees out. Plenty warm. I got dressed and headed out. BRRRRRRR! I do not know who punches in the temperatures, and who put up the sunny symbol, but they do not live here! It was just too cold. I tossed the trash, and grabbed the mail and rushed back in chilled to the bone; simply not used to the cold after not walking for nearly a week due to down pours. The cloud grew and that one step was teetering! The one thing that turned that around a bit was that a single envelope in the mail had been from Cindy Ratzlaff and Kathy Kinney who had written the book "Queen Of Your Own Life" , it was my personalized book plate and a brief note :
"To Queen Ruby,
Be the best Queen you can be!
Queen Cindy Ratzlaff
Queen Kathy Kinney "
It really hit home. I was not being the best Queen that I could be. Not even close! I had read the book only recently after nearly a year of following them online. They actually also follow me on Twitter and at times have sent me messages there. I hung my head low for a bit and had a little talk with self and told myself that I truly needed to snap out of it. I needed to stop feeling bad for myself no matter how much pain I feel. Sure I still stand behind acknowledging it , acknowledging what is happening in my life and if I need to have a pity party do so and then move on....not always the thing for all, but it works for me. If I hold it in it will build, heck even with sharing yesterday it started to build anyway. So maybe my theory does not work so well, but it is all I know how to do. But back to my self conversation. I won't go into details ( shocked??) , but will say what with the news coming in from Japan, I was kind of like " who am I to wallow? People have lost everything, including so many lives...I may be in pain, and my teeth are one wrong bite away from falling out, but I am alive and have more than most. The cloud started to break apart a bit and I was gaining another step, I could feel it!
I opened the book, re-read chapter one, and then chapter two... "Claim Your Beauty And Feel Your Power....or....How to Banish Your Inner Crone" I know what I shall be reading tonight...I read the definition of the word beautiful, and really let it soak in, especially the word at the end #4 "you" . One of the quotes, and there are many great ones : " Life is what you make it, always has been, always will be." ~Grandma Moses . It truly reminded me of another favorite quote : "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." -Dr. Maya Angelou , I even RT ( re-tweet) it on Twitter, over and over and tell myself this over and over, yet, I still lament over not being able to change anything, not having power.
At the end of chapter 2, really at the end of each chapter there is a "Royal Proclamation" , and this is what I need to remember, print out and paste to my bathroom mirror:
I am Queen of My Own Life and I shall
confront the *damn talking mirror
everyday. It will have no power over me.
Every time I look into it, I will see myself
as beautiful, intelligent, valuable
woman that I am. So says the Queen.
*you will have to read book to see that that means
So with that I am more so embracing my one step that I am able to hold onto and hopefully I can build on that step and gain a few more and hold strong so that I do not loose ground. I am not saying I shall not waver, that I shall not stumble and at times crumble and fail. But all I can do is get back up and take another step, and celebrate when I do.
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." -Eleanor Roosevelt