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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Missing in Action

I feel like I am in a rut. Of course my life is. It is groundhog day , you know the movie, each day is the same. No variance. The most it changes is if it is raining like now and I can not walk, or perhaps a daughter stops by like today when my youngest did and we watched a western on the Hallmark Channel. My husbands mood, and job situation has not changed. Our money situation certainly has not. My health and that of my husbands is not better, and on some levels is worse. And the darn beige walls of the apartment are the same.

I am used to change. When the girls were growing up, there was constant change. When we had money I could change our living space on a whim, take a day trip when in need of a change of scenery. I changed my hair and my wardrobe as to not be predictable. Now changing my nail color or lipstick shade is about as much change that happens. I truly think I have just given up on me. Something I think has just said " The current situation is not going to change, there is no rescue in site and well let's face it the day will come when my teeth will drop out one by one or all at once. Why try, why reach, why strive...let's just survive....that is hard enough."

The rut has gotten deeper over the last couple of weeks what with my health and then my husband threw his back out and missed a couple days of work and is struggling now that he has gone back. I have taken the slack up on the "man chores" and that has made my body hurt in ways that it had not in a while, even with all the wet weather we have had. That same wet weather has made my teeth start to ache and throb even worse than before, and I did not know that was possible. The re-realization of us being where we are financially and I unable to help ( if I could find work) being only one injury, one bad health turn or a broken down car away for my husband and him missing more work  from being evicted. My parents no longer able to lend more money to help us move to a better is hard to know you can not afford where you live and can not afford to move. Change just does not seem an option...even though hubby has tried so very hard to make it happen, seeking yet another job in his field, closer and hopefully more pay...even if just a little...but would that really change the over all picture. Just seems like we are both banging our heads on the proverbial wall.

I have been trying the whole LAW, and well I know it is to take time, but truly I followed every step, believed every word. There was not a doubt, as I know doubt becomes a stumbling block with LAW. But felt defeated as so many things I concentrated on did not manifest. I then gave it all to God even more so, I pray daily, truly believe God will provide what we need, and I guess on many levels HE has. Or some would say. I am grateful we are surviving, grateful for what we do have, but it is so very hard to not miss what we do not. There are reminders all around me. CONSTANTLY.

I still write my gratitude lists, still do my very best to appreciate all the wonderful blessings we still have. I still make it a point to laugh, smile ( even if I hate how my smile looks right now) . I do my very best to lift others up with kind words and gestures, as these acts of kindness do so much to warm my heart, lifting my soul up when I can do so for others. I can not truly afford to donate to all the charities that need it, to help those worse off than me, though I suppose I could give up my one last thing that is a luxury ( my nails) , but I do spread the word as much as I can, between here and Twitter....but even with all that it seems life is one big rut.

I am in a rut with my looks as well with all this. The friend is not my friend. I have to see my teeth, my bad hair cut that I did to myself in a fit of needing change and now trying to grow out. The red color as it fades because I am too sore to raise my arms to color the roots and refresh the color. I swore to myself, challenged myself in January to take care of me. Eat better...not happening. Exercise more, kick it up from just walking...not happening. I swore I would wear mascara each and every day; there was a time I would do that. Best I do is on occasion is try to style my hair and add a hair clip, wear earrings and put on lipstick. But most days are like today ( and my beautiful lady friends I profiled yesterday would shudder) old , faded, stretched out sweater with pills all over, another over the top for warmth, baggy jeans, a full size too big, and my sweater cap because I did not have the energy to fix my hair. No make up. Did my best to brush my teeth to remove food and coffee stains, but truly that was difficult. This is me now. Even my pretty fingernails all pink and covered with flowers and sparkle look out of place with the rest of me.

I open my closet and look at the stacks of heels, and sigh, they have not been worn in over a year. I never carry a purse any more, but the plastic bins of brand new beauties sit there still. I bought new accessories recently at Forever 21, taking advantage of the 1.50 racks , all pretty and girly, sparkles and pearls, flowers and bows. They sit in my jewelry box, it seeming silly to wear them around the apartment. I know many would tell me it is not if they make me feel pretty, but as I will not look in a mirror , what difference does it truly make? I want to feel pretty, look pretty, but the will is dwindling.

I want to elude airs of Audrey Hepburn, and Grace Kelly, even Lucille Ball ...I once did. There was a time, and it seems a lifetime ago when peoples heads would turn, ladies in my church would always look forward to my entrance to see what I would wear from my hats to my gloves to my fishnets with the seams down the back. I would have to twirl for the coffee bar girl, at work they would call me "Lucy" for the way I wore my hair and my retro dresses. I would even do my house work and cooking in sling back pumps, full circled skirts and frilly blouses and pearls...hubby always said he felt as if he had fallen back into time between the music, the antiques and what I was wearing. The music has not changed, Frank is serenading me now via SIRRIUS, but the antiques are gone and so are all the glorious clothing.

I recently read cover to cover and back again the Queen of Your Own Life book, and I follow them on Twitter, as well as Facebook and get the newsletter...I had thought it had soaked in, thought I had a handle on it, but it seems I was only fooling myself and was not worthy of the crowning ceremony, at least not yet. I would like to be one day, without a single doubt and stay being the queen for the rest of my life. Overcome my own way that I see myself. But with each twinge of pain from my teeth and each day that passes as it is, as I am, in this rut that I seem to have slipped into , it seems as if it is unreachable. 

I am not feeling depressed or blue. But will admit to helplessness, frustrated and maybe even angry. Everyone says do not give up, things will change, it will get better, my voice will be heard, my dreams will come true. I hear it daily. I try very hard to take heed of the kind words and advice, soak in the quotes and prayers...even play pretend with the wonderful ladies on Twitter that I spoke of yesterday. I used to be able to be able to play pretend, in the beginning I was able to do it with ease, when things first became the way they are. As each day, month, now working into years passes on I find I am not as skilled . The photos below, though not from my retro/vintage hey days ( those were pre- digital camera, so harder to share) are still from a time when I recognized myself in the mirror, I always recognized myself, and now I look in the mirror and that is not the case. I used to like my reflection, not totally in a vain way, but also in a heart and soul way. Something I can say now is merely a shadow of itself. I feel as if I am truly missing in action.

Me a day at home, just two years ago.

A day out with hubby

A wine event for Valentines day....this year I was in PJs and there was no chocolate and flowers, wine was the 2 buck chuck kind.

Just a shopping day at the local mall....

On way for a lovely French meal , something we did at least once a week, when date nights still happened.


  1. All I can say is that I think we all do hit these ruts. We try different "self-help" things to shake things up and shift our perspective, but sometimes we just get fed up and even those stop working. In my experience, though, we usually just need to find the next thing to shift perspective or shake things up-- sometimes just a very little change.

    Any chance you could force yourself to put on a nice outfit, try some of the new jewelry, and just go somewhere with a friend or your husband? It doesn't have to be a place that costs anything -- just some people-watching, even. I know it's easier when weather is good, but may still be possible.

    Or even just dress up for an evening at home? Or set up a silly challenge -- one new jewelry item or fashion change -- or small other change -- every day? You could blog about it!

    Just an idea. Don't mean to tell you what to do, obviously! You need to do what works for you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  2. I agree with Anne on forcing yourself to get dressed up to just go to some local museum or something that will make you feel a little more like yourself. By not doing it, you're bringing yourself down to a place you don't want to be. Looking at the photos, you were a fine dresser and enjoyed an easier life. Put on those clothes and shoes you haven't worn and go visiting malls -- just to keep up with what's going on and feeling like your old self for a while.

    I think you're still in serious shock over all that's happened and it's bringing you down -- all on its own. You subconscious can't handle the change. Give yourself a weekly outing, to some place close by that won't cost an arm and a leg. I had to do that. It wasn't the final answer but it kept me in the world enough to keep me hoping. {{{HUGS}}}


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