Making Every Effort....

As we have determined ( you my readers and myself, well and my friends and family) I have a hard time taking care of me. There is brief blips here and there, and there was a time I did so with quite a flair ( though I always felt guilt) but for the last two years it has been a far and too few occurrence. For awhile I stopped cutting and coloring my hair, did not buy anything new to wear, just made due, and getting my nails done, forget it! Make up...yeah did not wear any, even did not bother to put earrings in. I simply had given up on me, both because of the money, how my health was making me feel as well as my mood and self esteem being at an all time low...record breaking really. But as this is my year to believe, I had to start with me...the hardest task. I can believe in God, but can not seem to believe in myself...believe that I am worthy of being taken care of, free of guilt and apologies. I am working on that.

The first step was to cut my hair...ok so I took it a bit far, became obsessed and now have this, and it is longer than what it was, as I am trying.

When I really want this...

Ala Louise Brooks

When I colored my hair I went from this....

salt and pepper

Darkest brown

 and this....

Black cherry

To this....

Deep Auburn/Dark Copper

But they do look much nicer and do not hurt.

and now finally back to the darker color. Which ironically I should have kept in the first place, but could not see that it was not my hair color that was making me not like me. But at least I was coloring and cutting again. Then the next step at taking care of me was to get my nails done. I only go every three weeks, but at least I am doing it. With the fibro and the anemia my nails are thin, brittle, and always split and peel...I was living in band aides...at least now they look a lot better! Each time I tell hubby I do not think we can afford it, he insists, so I wait till they just can not wait any longer and go get it done. I am always glad afterwards, but it is so very hard for me to justify it in my mind that I am worth spending the money on such a thing.

One of the most recent things I have been doing is trying to dress up a bit more, past a jeans and a T if I know that we are going to drive...hard to do if I am walking, but am making strides in that as well. 

Grocery shopping day...

Quick errands...

Day out to the park and wine tasting...

Walking up the street to get gelato....

Out to lunch and shopping with daughter.

Last week, after jumping through a lot of hoops, I also forced myself to go for the dreaded yearly exam, as well as go and get my mammogram. Two very important, I am worthy, things to do! So after what seemed to be a couple of weeks of really doing what was needed to take care of me, of course I had a crash day here and there of guilty blues, of course family drama did not help, nor did hormones raging out of control. After snapping out of it, but really needing shop therapy...yes, stunned me too, as I had not really bought much for myself either wanted or needed over the last two years, and when I did it was well under 20.00 ! But surprise, surprise, my hubby got a bonus from work and it was a good one too! He came out and said to me that I got 120.00 of it and I should go get some of the staples that I have been in need of ...and maybe a few pretties too. 

Now I know to many of you, 120.00 is not a lot of money. To me however it is 10 times the amount that I ever spend on myself, at least in recent history, and it has been forever that we could even spare such an amount, truly most weeks we have 10-20.00 to our name and that is for staples like milk or bread if it runs out....not for me to spend all on my own! It actually took me three days to get the gumption out to spend it. Then it did not come easy! I bit the bullet on Tuesday and went out with my daughter Rebecca on a mission. I needed a nighty and well undergarments. I stopped at Ross. Lucky me found just what I wanted and needed in both a robe-nighty combo for Summer, and pretty undies. Feeling a bit empowered we headed to JC Pennies, and my balloon deflated...I tried on shorts that were a price I was willing to spend, but even the size 6 was too tight...after loosing 10 pounds and nearly a full size I was not going to try on an 8!! I know rationally it is the fit and not the size, but it had been months since I was in a dressing room and well the ego panic button was hit as I stood there and could not wiggle into a size that all my other clothes are. I left them behind with a huff.

So onto bras. I wanted to go screaming from the store after the hour it took trying all the different styles on...some squished, some lifted...clear out! Others pushed them into odd shapes. I finally landed on one, but not 100% happy. But this is my lot in life with bras..I am an in between size. I many years ago had a reduction and then implants, and it was a botched job...took five surgeries and well they are not a pretty set of girls by any means and finding a bra to fit is worse of a nightmare with them than when I was small or floppy! But I managed to find a happy, sort of medium and the purchase was made. Of course my poor daughter was pooped and her boyfriend wanted to come pick us up as it was their dinner time, so we made a couple more stops while we waited...this is where the pretties come in...just a few sparkly baubles and our ride was there. Being dropped off at home I was still in need of those darn shorts, so out again I went.

I headed over to Kmart....lucky me they were having a sale. I grabbed two pairs of shorts, nearly identical to the ones that were at JCP, and grabbed a SM & MED. size...wala the small fit...VICTORY...real or imagined it was mine! I grabbed two pairs and still only spent what one would have at JCP. Then out of morbid curiosity I checked the bra section...they had the same brands! So was so ready to run back to JCP with the one I bought and return it, as these were cheaper, but sadly not a single one was in my size. Not one. So instead once again a bit deflated I headed over to the beauty section and bought myself eye liners...(YES makeup ! ) and lucky me they were on sale, buy one get one! Oh and I purchased Revlon's quick dry polish in "Pink Lingerie" and that will be my next color I wear when I get my nails done...I mean who could resist?It is the color of cotton candy, or so my hubby says....

What do you think ?? Do they look alike?

My haul...exactly 120.00! Yes, to the cent! Oh and lookie me so brave to show my skivies in my blog LOL

So as you can tell, I am slowly making every effort to take care of me, and doing my best to not feel guilty, but believe that I am worthy! And the journey continues....