One word. Surrender. This was one word flashed on the screen of Oprah's second part of her personal Master Class. It resonated. I am a fighter, always have been, always have had to be. From earliest memory, I had to fight within the life I was living. I fought against the struggles that existed in my home life, my family life and life those two things created in all areas from friends to struggling in school. Things that happened in this past week brought all the struggles to the surface. There was emails, old photos, even old report cards that were painful reminders of the struggles from my early life...mixing with the struggles I dealt with during my early adult years, and the most recent ones of the last couple of years.
I never gave in, never gave up, never wanted to surrender. Never surrender to people, situations, or the Lord/Universe. I thought it was weak to do so....change could only take place if I made it happen. I often talked a good game, when I was in church, late this past year as I studied LOA, but down deep I believed If I was pro-active, change would occur, no one person or thing was going to do it for me. My pastor so many years ago told me to surrender to God, give it to God. Friends have told me that over and over. Books, quotes, TV shows, all say the same. No matter what I heard or saw, I could not do it. It did not seem to do me any good when I tried, nothing changed, so I would resolve to do it, whatever that may be at the time, on my own. The white flag would be lowered, packed away and forgotten.
When I figured out, and then later had confirmed that I had fibromyalgia, my instincts told me to fight. Surrender could not and would not be in my mind set, because if I gave in to this "disorder" I would be done with. When we found out we were loosing everything near and dear to us (other than our family of course), odds are never getting it back, each month, now year of struggle seeming to confirm this, my choice was to fight, fight hard to maintain sanity and peace in the situation...it is a fight I still struggle with. I gave the law of attraction another whirl as it was working so well for friends, and what the books had to say seemed logical, but I feel it did not work as well as it could, simply because I could not surrender....believe it could work. I prayed harder and more often, writing them out, saying them out loud and or softly on my knees...it felt like I was not heard. I did not matter. If I did, how were things not happening, not changing? Instead things got tighter, and then I found out I had more health issues I could not deal with or take care of in the current life situation. Making it very hard to surrender to a higher power.
Several months ago I found out my teeth are not worth saving. First thought was to fight to find a way to make a dental makeover happen. I started a campaign. I wrote The Ellen Show, then Oprah...her producers, the magazine, her best friend, and to her. I created the button on my page with my story and the links, and a few wrote in, many more did not. I resigned myself to the fact that it was up to me. I continued to write in, get my story out. Expanded the side bar post to a full page and put it up top. I wrote every charity, every program, and continued to post via twitter. Each time I got a nibble, a bit of hope, from being printed in the April issue of the "O" Magazine, to tweets back to me from important people close to Oprah, I would regain the fight within. It was too important to give up on. But it is exhausting and keeping the hope alive, knowing there is so many others in need that most likely are doing the same as me to make things happen gnaws away at that hope...diminishes the feeling that such a huge dream can come true. As a result of the struggle, the fight to make sure I was heard really took a toll on every area of my being, robbed me of all happiness and joy, I was obsessed...if THIS dream would not or could not come true, that meant that for sure all my other hopes, wishes and dreams of a better life, and perhaps a life without physical pain that leads to emotional pain could not either.
Oprah mentioned her dream to be in the Color Purple, doing all she could to make it manifest into happening. Later coming to a point of giving in, and deciding to surrender it all to God through praying, singing " I Surrender All" , not really meaning it at first, but continuing to aim towards just that, because as she realized God has a bigger dream for you/us than we can even imagine. That if we do not go with the flow, the further we step away from our spiritual truth, whatever that may be, things will not happen. Blends nicely with law of attraction, but of course really resonates with all my biblical teachings as well. In hearing this, rewinding, and hearing it again, I had an "AH-HA" moment as Oprah calls it. I need to surrender all. That does not mean not to be pro-active in what is happening in my life, not taking some kind of charge but perhaps let God and the Universe actually help me.
So as my continuing journey to find happiness this year, and actually putting stock in my chosen word of "BELIEVE", I am now ready to add "surrender" to my goals. If I am meant to loose my teeth, have them fall out, be toothless, then so be it. If God means for me to have Clear Choice Dental Implants, then so be it. I need to stop fighting and start going with the flow. I know like everything else in my life it will be a roller coaster ride and hold a lot of twists and turns and even wrong turns, just as everything about my journey this year has, but I think I truly am ready to surrender all....see what happens.