Believe

my new tatt.

Alot is going on in my life right now..a lot that can cause stress. I am doing my best to believe everything has a reason, everything has it's own prefect timing, even if I do not like it or understand it. I am doing my best to let it roll off me like raindrops on a rose petal. I am striving to be Queen of my own life...just like one of my favorite books by the same title. Especially since it is my goal to be in a very good mental space when the cold, dark days of Winter set in and my mood tends to get the same way. I want to have control of my life and my reactions to it when it is out of my control.


Recently our middle daughter became engaged. The special day is nearly a year away, but already the planning, re-planning and re-planning again has begun. As a few things lock in, a few others fall out of favor. This can be stressful. As a Mom that had a horrible wedding experience (25 years back this August 2nd), all I want is for our little girl  our daughter to have the wedding of her dreams. That is not going to be possible on the budget, one we can not even truly contribute to, so then it is make it the best one can on her budget. Problem is I am the Mom that I did not wish to be, one that tends to push for ideas she may not be so pleased with. Then she reacts. I react. Stress happens. I daily keep reminding myself that I told her I would not do this, because it is her day. She and her groom need to be happy...not me. Easier said than done.


The other stressful thing happening is our Tom cat, Koko, who we have raised for ten years, has in recent months aged, a lot. He has lost well over half his body weight. He is weak, frail and often gets sick for weeks on end. It is an endless cycle of cleaning up accidents on our apartment's carpet. I have a weak stomach and not to mention physically I am not always up to doing such labor intensive work. I worry and fret over him, and what it is doing to the apartment as well. Last night he hid in our closet and then had an accident..I am used to him not being seen for some time so did not look for him...wish I had. We had decided to surrender him a week ago, but found out there was a very long list. We wanted him to have a better chance at getting the care he needed, or if sadly too far gone, being put down in a peaceful, humane way. This ripped my heart out to even consider, but we can not swing vet bills, we can not even afford our own health care. We have sought out help, were told we were to get it, only to hear nothing for over a week now. I have to believe there is a reason this is not all happening on a time table we thought it would when the decision was made. It truly tugs at my heart strings and emotions each day however and there are moments when that is not so easy to deal with. 


The next stressful, emotional thing that tugs at me is our youngest daughter is moving back in.Today. It has not been quite a year. When she moved out last Fall, I was excited for her, sad for myself, and I missed her so...even her mess that she would leave her private spaces. My husband and I however soon got very used to it being just the two of us. We spread out. He had his own bed, closet, space (we need this as he snores, and I have really bad nights because of the fibro and toss and turn or stay up all night)...of course we also added to our belongings. Harder to re-squeeze. Our daughter also just came with more belongings. But this is life. You make it work, and you believe that it is for the greater good, and that God has a plan as to why it is happening. You go with the flow and embrace the change or in this case re-visitation of things past. 


There is of course my on going health issues.My dental health,is still deteriorating on a regular basis, daily it is a fear that the next bite will be the one that takes a tooth. My Mom recently had most of her teeth pulled, the youngest oral surgery and our oldest soon to have some herself...so there is constant reminders that the health of all of us is a factor. I still hold tight to the belief that one day a benifactor will come to my aide, or  we will someday be able to afford it on our own. One blessing is my health is not worse as far as the fibro. I truly believe a lot of that is because of me trying my very best to not let everything get me down. Part of that is that hubby is earning more...even though that is still variable, especially with the economy as well as lack of innovatory currently with what happened in Japan(he is in car business). Not being constantly worried over every cent is a huge relief. Our rent will go up in the fall, and there lies the belief that our daughter moving back in right before it is to go up, helping to absorb the increase, is God's plan. It may not be under the best of circumstances, but one can not question the timing. 


So as life continues to evolve, my journey does the same and my word for the year continues to be a very strong motivator for strength during all of it....I just have to remember to ...