A life post on Wednesday you may ask? Thought those days were over on this blog....thought life posts were only on Mondays? Well, I have always been one to break rules; color outside the lines. I have been thinking a lot about the passage of time, what with two of my daughters getting married, my Grandmother turning 86 this past Monday, and all the other things happening in life right now. I have also been looking in the mirror a lot again. Especially with my middle daughter planning my birthday already, to take her mind off her life, so 46 is rushing up on me...so is the realization each day that I am indeed getting older. I feel it. Not just from all the health issues, or the silver and ebony hair ( nice words for salt and pepper) that now covers my head, but just everything about me right now and about my life makes me feel as if I am a very long way from my youth and I can not even fake it. I thought it would be rather fun and therapeutic to put my thoughts into words and visuals using vintage photos. That is how the title came to be.
One of the obvious things about me that is making me feel my age is how my body is changing. I do not seem to have any control over it at all....
When I was younger, I had a flat chest, a small waist and slightly rounded hips and a rather nice rear view.Perfect flapper shape that is for sure. But,I dreamed of a slightly bigger upper half so that people would see I was indeed hourglass shaped, even if the front of me did not seem to match that idea. With pregnancy I got my wish,sort of; after three kids that wish drooped to the waist line...so I got them perked up and well enhanced. Wish granted once more. I also sadly got a bit of spare padding to the hips I did not want. I have always done my best to embrace the curves, God given and not.
That was easier said than done and always has been. But I felt a bit better from time to time looking at the above. I matched most of the measurements, well close. I am four inches too short, but good things come in small packages. I have a more slender neck, and I am ok with that. My arms after three children and a 60 pound all together gain and weight loss after child number one, are a smidge bigger, no matter how hard I try. My bust is right on! Well band size *giggle*! My waist is also the perfect size according to this. The hips at one time were, and I swear would be if I did not have a little extra in the rear view, but I am within a couple inches...the thighs that I once hated, well, they are perfect...with a few dings throughout...my calf and ankle sizes are a bit smaller, but that goes with my stature right? Depending on how you look at it I am the American Venus....well sort of. I just do not feel that way when I look in the mirror. No matter how I try. Oh I am ok if I am all dressed up in one of my pretty outfits, dresses and skirts seem to make me loose 10 pounds...
...but put on pants and try to button them or sit down and the endorphin go right out the window.
I promise myself to do better with my exercise. To get out and walk and do my crunches and to eat better...but in reality I much more prefer to sit about sipping tea and eating my buttered toast in the morning than getting out and walking.
|Even with exercise I feel like I|
am getting no where fast with loosing
the weight, and when I finally do,
keeping it off for long.
|I enjoy this is the morning far more|
than putting on my walking shoes and
heading out the door.
|AND, I still want to be able|
to drink my glass of wine each
night...it is good for the
blood pressure you know!
|I am always fighting with myself, internally , but|
also fighting with myself physically because of
my fibro, my fibroids, my ever
raging and shifting hormones and now, especially now,
|I know down deep my hubby is still ok|
with how I look, how my body has changed...he has
changed too...often it is hard though as he forgets to tell
me so, and as a typical woman I need to hear it, not just know it.
When these thoughts start overtaking my every thought, it is usually related to other things I can not seem to gain any control over, such as how others act, the current real estate market and what part we will play in it ( and have in the past). I start obsessing over the things I can as well. Wondering if I should dye my hair still, after a year of letting it grow out to be all natural...AGAIN....should I cut it shorter, grow it longer, wear it blunt, wear it cropped...does it look ok now or should I tweak it...does it look like a Louise Brooks or not even close. I stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself, and still other times I want to cover all the mirrors in the apartment.
|Sometimes it just gets so exhausting|
to be me.
I am truly hoping that perhaps as I age I will get a handle on being more accepting of myself. It is not that I am not happy, for the first time in a long time, I can once again say that I am at least that, but I want to be happy with me. I listened to my Grandmother talk the other day, and realized that even at the age of 86 she has not stopped seeking that inner happy with her appearance and her body. Her complaints have discord has changed over the years, but it still is there...making it harder for me to imagine ever ceasing the fight with my inner demons where my body and looks are concerned...but like I told her, all we can do is try to do the best that we have with what we have and make peace with it...I hope I one day can follow my own advice.