Shut That Door....

Sometimes life just does
not go as you want it to.

It seems in poor taste to write a blog about not getting a home that we tried for not once, but twice, when many on the East Coast of the United States may very well loose their homes and much more as the Frankenstorm named "Sandy" makes it way to land, however I know that I do have followers unaffected and who are waiting on an update. Obviously from what I have written already, you know the outcome. When we got the call to say that the third in the series of lenders had yet another outcome, and we let the owner's agent know our final offer, we knew the outcome in our minds and hearts quite quickly, two days later that was confirmed. The sentence "The answer is 'no', not at this time." though expected still hit us both hard. Tears were shed, well on my part. Regrets for even trying twice, wasting time, not just ours but that of the owners...allowing myself to get attached again in hopes that a miracle would happen; the answer summed it all up in a neat little package of heartbreak. 

Never a more perfect quote. 

It is back to the portals for us. Sadly there is nothing out there to even go look at. So many of the homes popping up are bank owned or short sale and they all are seeking cash or conventional, seeking investors/flippers. The few privately owned homes that are out there are looking for the same. The fear that we have missed our pocket of affordability in the area(s) we wish to live is now realized and compounded by the need to go FHA as well as now not having as much to work with as we once thought. My husband says in January we can qualify for more, and in June, nearly July he can then be on the loan and we may be able to go conventional and have more money to pay down to make our monthly payments affordable, even if the home costs more. My husband is an optimist. I am a realist. I have watched the market and the trends and seen what has been going on for the last year, day in and day out reading everything I can get my eyes on, talking to professionals... they all offer optimistic hope, but also caution that they could be wrong. That is so very hard to hinge your hopes and dreams and wishes on. 

So many nights have I recited this,
along with prayers to God. Nothing
has been answered in all this time,
and when I thought they had, then
as quickly as they were granted they were taken away. 

I am truly at a loss as to how to keep going in our pursuit of being a home owner again. Each time, if we are lucky enough to find a home that fits our price range and will accept our loan, we know it will mean a bidding war against others, if we are lucky enough to win that bidding war, it means paying yet again for the FHA appraisal and if too many repairs are needed, we are out 400.00 each and every time. Each time we spend that it is a risk that too many repairs will be listed to proceed or it will all be on us to pay for and do the work, again with a risk and the fear that the home will not be ours when the dust settles, that what just happened to us TWICE will happen again. We have already now gone through four times of becoming attached and loosing out in the end. Even the strongest of people have a hard time getting up as fast as they did the time before.  I am not saying I/we won't, just that each time I look at a home, and I did yesterday, I am so gun shy I do not even wish to try to throw my hat in the ring. I am struggling with trying to figure out if it is all worth it. The list of pros and cons are endless between being a renter and being an owner.  

It just all boggles the mind that it
has to be this way. 

Right now I am just trying to figure out how to feel "at home" in yet another temporary space. It had taken me nearly two years to feel at home in our last apartment, I may not have liked it there, but it was home and it was comfortable. This apartment is nice, and yes the sunsets with the view are stunning, as many have pointed out, but with many of our belongings a few miles away in storage and blank walls and no curtains hung in fear that it would just be wasted money, I still feel as if I am in a glorified hotel, only there is no maid service and no one is turning down my covers and leaving me a mint on the pillow. I have tried nesting, even yesterday my husband bought me a new glass case from IKEA for my dolls that my Mom gave me (1920's bed doll, pin cushion dolls and the Betty Boop my hubby gave me) so that I could bring them out of storage, but there is still so many of my treasure still wrapped up and away as it could only hold so much. I know they are just things, and I am grateful we found this apartment so quickly and can afford to live here and maintain the storage fee, but when you have lost or parted with so many things, the few you have left is what creates the sense of home. 

Needing to feel a sense of home,
is something most people can relate to
needing. 

I fear that I shall struggle with these feelings quite a bit more as the holidays approach. There is not enough room for a proper Thanksgiving. At this point I feel like skipping it. Our family has decided this year, with two daughters married who have new families to spend Christmas with, we will not be celebrating. This is the time of year when memories are made and that sense of home becomes a stronger pull within myself, especially since loosing our dear cottage ( been three years since we moved out nearly to the day!), I have a feeling it is going to be a very tough one this go round. My goal, just do my best.. whatever that means at the time. 

Bonus post tomorrow, sharing a few pics hubby took of me and my new pixie hair cut recently taken in Old Town Sacramento and a "pirate ship" that was docked there at the time. Then Wednesday more spooky pics in celebration of Halloween!