Resiliency is Fading : A Rare Rant of Sorts

(*Florence Newsum) 

At what point do you give up trying and fighting ?  I think I just might be there. I think I might just be ready to give in and give up and say "They win!" . Who are "they" ? Well that is a multi layered answer. Currently it is who ever just happens to have large sums of cash laying around to purchase homes at cost and well above. It is a single hedge fund rumored to be buying up all and any homes in the 200k price range and below. It is the banks that pre-approved us for 175k and then in the 11th hour yanking that from us and making us loose a home I know that we could have made our own, even if not perfect, but still was close. lastly "they" would be and is the latest person(s) that out bid us on a dream home, a home I saw no need to change a thing on, that sat in a pocket of forest like environment in the city, that we bid 10k over asking and that was not even close to the winning bid. That is who "they" are. 

(Louise Brooks)

I have tried after each home that we have lost out on to say to myself ' it just was not the right one. I was just settling, and that there is something better.' When our agents, and now we are on a third said "it is a tough market in your price range, but it will happen..." considering now that we are at a level 12k below where we thought we would be, or told we were at, in my head that word "tough" should be changed to "impossible" .  At what point do you stop chasing the impossible. Oh sure I read and have even posted all the uplifting quotes on the subject, even cheered others to not give up or give in, that the impossible can happen. Truthfully however I have never seen anything impossible happen to me or my family.... at least not in a positive way. Many things that I thought were impossible, or were told was impossible, that were bad, even horrible has happened. Recently, it has happened a lot. Good news, positive news has quickly turned the other way no matter how hard we believed in the opposite was going to occur. 

(Garbo)

There has been so many voices of friends and family telling me to not let it get to me. To keep going, that we will beat the odds. Seems so easy for them to say. I often just want to kick them in the gut so that they can know the feeling as I do each time the words "sorry not this time" has been told to me. As I live caught in limbo, living with daily items still in storage over 2 miles away, have down sized yet again so that every day living is not even as it was after we lost our dream home to short sale, at a location though lovely, has made me more isolated than I was before, with no real hope of that changing in the near or any future. I have pain levels due to stress climbing daily, messing with my system so much ( skip over this men who read) that I am up to "monthlies" that last from 9-14 days and then happen often, like now 14 days after the first day once again and thus having me in a non stop hormonal hell.  I find no motivation to get dressed now, to take my walks , depression is quickly gaining as I can only be so resilient for so long with so much negative things happening on a regular basis before it has disappeared all together. 

(Clara Bow)

I am doing my best to smile, to put on that happy face, to let the anger and resentment go and to not give in and to get out there and keep looking at homes, keep trying to make one of them ours. I do not want my husband who works such long hours and then comes home and takes care of me , to worry. He has enough on his plate and I know this all effects him as well. I do not wish to bring my daughters down, they have their own lives and own woes , or when they do not, do not wish to rob them of their happiness from being so concerned over me. I am tired of posting life blogs filled with not a single ounce of good news to share.. basically with always looking at homes, having no other news to share at all. Tired of posting status updates on facebook that seem like I am seeking sympathy, when really to receive it seems to make the hurt worse. I do not wish to be this person, I do not like this person and though I certainly recognize this person, I truly do not wish to see it facing me in the reflection in the mirror. 

I know this is not what you wish to read, and my fans who do read the "life" posts , though sympathetic and many have gone through similar things or perhaps are at this very moment and who in the past has said I inspire them; well I am sure this is a disappointment to hear I am at my limit. I am truly sorry to be so. It has always been my intent to show one can make it through, pull themselves up and out of it so to say, and move on and past it and perhaps even conquer the demons that in this life often chase at our heels.  I am hoping that in sharing this "dark" post however that you will see that it is ok and even human to slip backwards from time to time and perhaps in doing so become stronger and more knowledgeable on  how to avoid a return to such a state as well as build ones resiliency back up and keep fighting. I know that is all I can do right now , is take those baby steps to get back to that point. 

(clara)

Know that I appreciate all of you who continue to support, cheer and pray for me and my family during this journey , all those past and all the ones to come.