Stand Still

When I wrote last week, I was in a dark place. I had hit the proverbial wall and truly felt as if it had hit me many times over. I would like to think that I am better now, moved past some of the feelings that I was drowning in. I would like to think that I am able to connect to the faith that what is happening or the lack of what is happening, is for a very good reason that I just simply have not realized yet.  The quote above really summarizes how I am feeling, what I always feel like when I want something so badly, but all efforts come to a stand still. After my last post I had so many people tell me not to give up and give in, that one day we will find a home that we can at least like and that our offer will be accepted.  I was told, perhaps our dream home, the perfect home just simply has not popped up yet and that is why no matter what we see and what we bid on just simply is not right. I was told that we will beat the odds that are overwhelmingly against us. Give it time. Well with what is available in both price range as well as what FHA will fund, or finding a seller that will take FHA, it seems time is a double edge sword; we apparently have time as there is nothing on the market for us, and no time left because each day the prices go up and up due to false inflation of the market... the one thing that is not at a stand still. 

I spent the last week taking a lot of time to "breathe deep" and get over the loss of a house that was never really ours. I even bid on another and then went and looked at several more. With each one I let go a bit more of my dream of finding the right house and decided to just find a house that maybe we could make right, or at least learn to live with. It truly goes against the grain of my heart and soul to do that, knowing that possibly we would have to move again one day, and the possibility being that perhaps we would not be able to do so and would be living in a place that never would feel like home. It is those feelings that I need to work on still, let them go and not let them just make me shut down.  I need to "let go of things" ...easier said than done to say the least.  I may be a realist, but down deep I still hold on to the idea that dreams will come true, that one day God will bless us with a return of what has been lost... a place to truly call home. I know, I know, home is where you make it, matters not, or so they say, where it is. I am sure there are those that can make it be an apartment, for me, that is not the case. When I hear the neighbors through the walls or from under my feet, when I climb stairs and am in pain and winded, and when I have to take 20 minutes to just go to the mail box and back, and so many other little things that remind me that this is not home,  I know that even though I do not mind this apartment, it will never be home. How do you let go of that dream of having the one thing that you truly want over all other things? 

Knowing that with the holiday there will be less listings, hearing there is yet another hedge fund in the area that will obviously beat us to the punch over and over and  knowing that we can not find out about the possibility of more money to work with till January, or maybe even June, I am considering just giving up the fight. It is not because I am giving in, as I wanted to this same time last week, even when most days I want to. No, but to simply take time to clear my mind, my heart and live a day , a week or even a month where I am not obsessing over the needs and desires that fill my heart. I am just not sure how to get rid of the fear I may miss out on the perfect home and it maybe just maybe will have a owner that will pick our offer.  I have to find the balance, I need to. If I do not, this whole thing will rob me of any light I happen to have in me. I have been there before when we lost our home, and were barely keeping a roof over our head not that long ago. I would like to think that I am stronger now and that though I may face dark days and shed more than a few tears that I can fight through them and through the current situation and keep going. 

As we get closer to the day of Thanksgiving, it makes me more aware that thought I have this dream and truly want it to happen, not wishing to leave no stone not turned over, I have to be grateful for the dreams that have come true. Be grateful to be in a better place, to not be in a place of constant worry over how to pay rent, bills, buy food and to not be able to even have a few comforts... we have come such a long way in the last two years, even the last year. Perhaps by remembering that, by thinking about how many odds we faced and how at one time I was sure that we would be homeless, and now are so far from that, I can inch my way back to a place of peace of mind with the process. With what is happening now, find my place to a much stronger resolve that we can eventually make this happen. Continue on with this house hunt and the odds we face. Perhaps taking strength from the fact that we have so much already and that if it is meant to be, it will happen and believe it. Accepting if it is not, then be truly grateful for all that we have, even if a house is not part of the equation.  Maybe it takes a stand still in progress to realize such things and embrace it for what it is .

Hope I know when that time arrives and
that I make the right choice.