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Monday, November 11, 2013

Following New Roads.....

I am forever following new roads and seeing where the
journey takes me .

I thrive on change. Most people do not like it... not to say I do not like certain constants in my life, even people like me... routines are safe and we find comfort in them, I know I do. But back to changes, following that new road.  To me it means something better is around the bend, and as this year has been full of changes and many not for the better, I am even more excited to see what new roads I will follow and where the journey will take me and what changes will come along the way.  As mentioned there has been certain changes this past year that I did not enjoy, not one bit. 

Me. A little over a year ago. 

Me. Now. 

This past year was filled to the brim with negative changes. Every good one was marred by many more that were far worse than one could imagine. I am not going to go into them. If you have been following my journey then you know all about them, and those that are new here, well click on the archives and click "personal" , there are many posts there to fill in the blanks, plus this is not a reflection, end of the year, going into a new year post. Ok, it is a reflection post, I will admit that. How can one speak of changes, new roads and life's journey without reflecting some on where they just have been? 

So what sparked this post? A photo. The one above titled, "Me. Now." , and realizing that in all the photos I have had taken of me as of late, there is a huge difference, at least in my eyes, as to how I look. It is a reflection of how I feel, maybe not on the surface, at least I do not think so, but down deep. Sometimes, a photo lies to us;  in this case I do not think it is. Something is still just not right. I can not put a finger on it.  I just do not know what that is. Yes, my health is not what it was a year ago. It has been a nightmare roller coaster ride of pain and set backs. Yes, we had a death, a tragic death, in the family, that took a toll on it on every level. We moved into a new home ( to us) and a new area. It is not my dream place to live by any means and there are days, such as what happened the other day, when the school down the street was on lock down due to a dangerous felon on the loose. There were Sheriffs everywhere. Helicopters flying above us, round and round for over two hours, that takes a toll on my nerves. That all accounted for , I have been of positive spirits, have felt joy building within me and my heart, and been making the best of everything despite the uphill battle that life continues to put me on.  I have been making huge strides with my health and following the supplement regimen I have been on to help myself heal, and yet, I look in this photo and I see a sadness and a lack of luster that was in the photo above it. The photo was taken only just a year before in what had not been the easiest of times either.. having been in the battle of trying to buy a house against all odds for months on end.... but I see it, a huge difference. Somehow I know it is not surface deep. 

I know this because I have been working on all the surface stuff. I grew out my hair from the short pixie, thinking if I got my 1920's bob back it would change how I looked. I have changed up my make up. I have been working on the condition of my skin, which has been showing what a tough year it has been by breaking out, a lot. I have even been changing up my wardrobe... the casual side of it, thinking if I could have nicer looking comfy clothing I would feel better on all levels, as I have not had a single occasion this past year, to wear any of my dress up clothes; something I was written about, my style that is, in the book Ooh La La ( by Jamie Cat Callan). Nothing helped. Heck, one of the worst things about all of it was going into a dressing room again, and realizing that four extra pounds pushed me up a size and gave me a jelly roll.. that certainly did not help one bit about changing how I feel. So basically working on the surface did not truly help. Back to square one. I have to look deeper. I have to figure out how to fix what is inside, adapt to the changes that have happened this past year, that have changed me and is showing on the surface, showing up in photographs, even when I think I am feeling pretty good, all things considered on the inside. 

So here I am, following this new road I have been put on this past year, with all the changes good and bad, from that of which has occurred around me to what has occurred within and on the inside, and a proverbial road block that has happened. Despite my best efforts, it must be my attitude. It must be how I am thinking about things, about my health, my life, my family, even my living situation. Changing my hair over and over, changing how I dress, the shade of lipstick I wear, even the changes to what I post here and on Facebook are not going to change what is deep inside unless I change my attitude. I have had to change my attitude, give myself a re-adjustment so many times in life, you would think I would know how to do it, and flip the switch, like a light bulb being turned on, but I do not. All I can do is take it in short little steps towards the end goal, and change one way of thinking at a time. 

This post is the first step. Like in the past, "writing" down my feelings, putting words to them, putting them out to the universe and to all of you readers, quite often starts me on yet a new journey of self discovery, takes me down new "roads". It does not matter if anyone really reads it, pays attention, comments, or if it is just me, myself and I who do all of the above. It is the beginning of change; often for the better.  Combined with all the other changes I am making in my life, some are a change back, like with my hair, and some are changes that move me forward (I hope), like the supplement regimen and as of today, the "diet" I am on to loose those four pounds and the resulting jelly roll . All are meant to move me forward, and all are aspects of following new roads to reach a destination of familiarity. Because even though I like change, accept it as part of life and embrace it even, there are some changes, I just simply can not. Some roads, some part of the journey that I do not care to be on... so here we go, together, I hope, as I follow the newest road , and excited to see what changes it brings. 

One final thought...

Ready for the ride... and hoping you
will join me. 

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