I felt the peck on my buried head as my hubby left for what is either a 12 hour or longer day. The cat is staring at me as I peek my one eye open . She mews wanting her treat, being the spokes cat for her and her brother. I get up and she follows me to the bathroom..I pause to evaluate how I look...I got some sleep, the bags under my eyes are not quite so bad. She and I both go in the restroom....she has to always be with us, it is a bit disconcerting to tell the truth, but I do not wish to listen to her howling and scratching at the door.
After, I weigh myself, daily ritual. Up a half pound. I grumble, and saunter out to the computer in the hall, hit the "on" button , all the while the cat protesting cause I am not in the kitchen giving the 5 mini treats that get vacuumed up in a split second. "OK!" , I say, walk in to the kitchen and open the package and she stands up on her hind legs, and bats at my hand, treats are given, purrs are heard and all is good with their world. I clear my email, not much to clear on a Sunday. Visit to the restroom again , hoping , maybe ....YEP, walking around and well you know, did it. I have lost the half pound gained and another two ounces. It inspires me.
I decided to take a walk, and not just to the local market for a Sunday donut and coffee , but to get my 3 miles in , and my clip is a bit faster than normal and I am in a chipper mood. I love the neighborhood I walk as it is off the main street and pretty quiet. I use this time to chat with God. I start my normal conversation in my head , asking why have I not won Publishers yet, and telling him he has another chance on August 31st. I list off the plans in my head that I would do with the money...buy new cars for the kids. Pay off my bills, pay for my parents to come out so I can see my Dad before he passes on. Pay for my Walking partner from Texas to do the same ( he is in his 70's as well) , invest, stash away in savings. Get new teeth and new boobs...that is a whole other blog!! I also start dreaming of the home I would buy, in full, with enough set aside to take care of all that would be needed so hubby could work cause he enjoys it NOT cause he had to.
I know right where it would be , I have been in the model homes. It is only a mile from our apartment. Not where I once thought I would want to live, but where I think we would be happy. I decorate it . Each room, carefully, down to the last detail . I can see it. I can live it in my head, it is wonderful. I plan the garden, every plant, bird feeder, the seating, the fountain and the fire pit for chilly nights. I plan for the tick or treaters , as I would once again get to enjoy my favorite holiday. I plan where to put the Christmas tree, and the family Monday night dinners we would get to have again cause we could afford to do them. It is a dream that I live in my mind quite often when I walk and just let the rest of the world drift off.
I then move on to making my amends and apologies for transgressions made to HIM, my family, friends, even upon myself and strangers. I say my thanks for all that HE has given us and tell HIM I shall do better in the future to be faithful and stop doubting. Trying to figure out what I am still doing that I need to work on, who I have wronged that I need to fix things with ...it is a short list now, a major one keeps popping in my head.
My ex friend "K" . She was one of my few gal pals in our old home town of Arroyo Grande CA...where we lived before TX. She was my polar opposite on every level, in every way. She drove me completely nuts. BUT her heart was in the right place, and she was always trying to express that love. She was supportive, but it was not always done in the most healthy of ways. She would mother and smother me on occasion and me being who I was, rebelled. Often liking to be the loner...often myself wanting to be the Mother. She would tell me how she saw things, right or wrong, and well of course I saw them different. She angered me , pushed my buttons. I am sure I did the same to her. But there was good times, there was laughs, and I knew she would be there, no matter how much I pushed away. I do that. It is a major flaw.
When I moved to Texas, we talked often. When I was really happy and nothing was wrong in my life, well she did not trust that. She thought I was faking. It drove me nuts. I was not eager for when she visited , as I KNEW it would be a downer. It was , but because we both created it to be such....just being who we were. The minute she was gone I was relieved and well missed her terribly all in the same moment. My family and friends there did not understand. Truthfully neither did I . We continued our friendship. When things really did go wrong , with my health, with our wealth and so many other things, she was there. She kept saying I needed to come home. Come back to CA. It became an obsession. She pushed, and I reacted , and I pushed my hubby. We moved back....giving up the house we owned. A secure job, and so many wonderful friends that loved me/us. This is not her fault, I must say , we must have wanted it as well. She swore she would come up monthly ...I thought that might be pushing it on so many levels, but maybe it was just that we needed to rebuild, re-connect. She had come up for the picking out of our house here. She came up once we were settled as well, and that visit has gone pretty well. But after that, there was no visits. A lot of excuses. On both sides.
Soon after the distance started to grow by more than miles. Then my families world turned upside down. I leaned on her a lot. But her life was also going topsy turvey. We started being very toxic to each other. I will not go into details, but it was bad, and I was on the edge as it was , and well I snapped. All the buttons she had pushed, all the transgressions she had ever committed were then used as weapons. Anything she said I just saw as daggers through my heart and I felt betrayed and enraged. I let her have it , all that I had ever wanted to say to her, all the truths I had held back from saying when she would give me advice on how to live my life and who to be, even if she meant well....it all came out and I became a raging, angry monster , someone I did not recognized, but always knew was there. The friendship ended.
A few months passed. Daily she was on my mind. I did not regret ending the friendship and yet in so many ways I did . Everyone told me she was toxic to me , not a good friend, that were were not right for each other, and I knew this. I realized it years ago. Even friends in Texas that had met her could not understand our friendship. But I missed her. I missed having someone that had known me , face to face for so many years. I decided to send her an E card and apologize. She was of course gun shy, I was as well. I had really hurt her , she did not bounce back like I did , able to let wounds heal and move on and try again, or maybe the ability to push it all to the back , wrapped in a small box . But that is what we decided to do. It went ok, for a time. We both kept it light and kept things fun, and did not go too deep with our conversations. Trying to rebuild trust. It was good. I was looking forward to her letters, they made me laugh, smile and remember the great times we had and was helping to rebuild our friendship from the bottom up. Be able to be more "real" with each other.
But life really was still in turmoil for us both. Money issues kept growing. Then my hubby and I lost our home. I was angry. I was angry at the world, not just one person or one situation. She kept telling me I was depressed, which of course made me more angry. I needed my friend , I needed unconditional love. I needed her to lie to me, even if that is not healthy, that is what I needed. I was NOT depressed. ( Or if I was I could not see it , nor did I want to) I was not crying all the time, I was still enjoying life, and laughing and I had not shut down. I was getting along with everyone, and had a great circle of friends on line. Everything started to crumble with us again.
She then posted her opinions of things I had written , and her opinions of my mental health for all the world to see on Face Book. I was mortified. I was hurt, and I was livid! She choose to do this in the middle of us dealing with noisy downstairs neighbors, us being on such the brink each month that we did not know how to pay our bills, keep THIS roof over our heads, our youngest being sick a lot and having mounting dental and medical bills, and the list goes on and on, it was too much, it was one more thing, it pushed the limit over the ridge of the glass.
She exposed my weaknesses more than I had ever done , and I had shared everything with my FB friends. I felt betrayed in the most intimate way. To be lectured and told that I did not want to hear the truth ( maybe that was true), that all my "friends" were not that, as they were lying to me , telling me what I wanted to hear. I was lying to myself and all around me. I needed help, and or medication...and that she was saying this out of love...in her eyes, and heart , I am sure she was, and looking back, that is how I should have looked at it.
I simply could not take it, not at that moment. I was outraged. I once again snapped, and I once again became the monster that hides in us all that has the double edge sword for a tongue. Spewing words out like bullets and hitting the target over and over. I removed her from my FB, I removed her from my email, my phone, my address book. I packed up everything she had ever given me, most of it given away to charity, ( I did hold on to a couple items....some how either forgetting about them, or just unable to cut everything out) basically trying to cut her 100% out of my life...I though for good, I thought that was best. FOR BOTH OF US!
I felt healthy. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I had positive friends around me now , lifting me up. I guess, I needed to be lied to as she called it , at that point in my life, that I am sure , is not healthy either....I see that now. I confessed to what I had done, and they all said they understood and even agreed that we were both better off. "K" tried sending me text messages, I did not answer. She even apologized via email and text before I had blocked her ...well and after she had thrown enough daggers and bullets my way to wound me to the core as well. I did not respond. It was over, it was done, and I was not going to revisit it.
WHY? You may be asking do I go into all this?? Well, while I was taking my walk, while I was talking to God, her name kept coming back in my head. I heard my inner voice telling me I need to make this right. I do not need to be friends with her again, I feel we would only hurt each other again and again. You can love someone, care what happens to them, but not be good for each other, that is us. But I need to make this right. I need to let her know that on some level she was right....maybe she did not handle it correctly, neither did I. I need to close this chapter on my life. I need to learn the lesson, so that maybe in doing so, if I ever have the chance to have a friend that is not just on the other side of a computer screen , I can learn to have a healthy friendship. I need to move on. There has not been a day that she has not popped into my head. There has to be a reason for that. So, it came to me to write this blog , share this , amongst the fluff and trivial things I have written about. Not worry that it is not a pleasurable subject...not worry that it is not chock full of photos /eye candy ...but just write it. THEN write her a letter, and being just as truthful as I seem to be able to be with all of you, my readers. Not to re-flame the fire, not to reconnect, but to hopefully put to rest.
Maybe it is selfish. Maybe I should just let it be, but the thought to do so has not left my head since my walk this Sunday. I stopped at the market for my coffee and donut , and to people watch and soak up the sun, and wish I had a pen, paper and could write it out then . I was eager to get home, get started on it , walk it to the box and pop it in so as not to chicken out. Then I did...I sat down and started to read blogs. I then saw I had been given an award , a "You Make Me Smile " award. I made someone smile by reading my blog. Someone I did not really know. But , I had made someone I had once cared about, even if it was toxic and not healthy at any level, cry, hurt and feel pain. So before I could accept the award, and pass it on, I needed to write this, and I need to write the card to her as well...so tomorrow I shall pass on the award to those blog writers that make me smile....and today I shall just say "Thank You" for reading, thank you for the award ( you can see it on the side bar) and thank you for letting me share the good, the bad, the pleasurable and well the not so much.