**Just so you know it is a long one. If you can not or do not wish to read at once, come back as often as you like. As my cousin put it, " You sure can write!"
Have you been keeping up with the roller coaster ride of my life as I post it? Have you wondered why I have disclaimers on some of my blogs recently? Do you believe I need to justify myself? Explain the life journey I am on? It sure is an interesting side trip from what the blog had started out to be to what it is now. Of course that could all change too, that is what journeys are about right?? Exploring new paths, sometimes the wrong ones, only to find interesting off shoots to end up back on the right one?
Life is a journey, it is ever changing, it is all about the ride, the adventure. Along the way it can be the people we meet, chat with, the ones that come and go. I would not trade any of them, good or bad, as they all pass through my life to teach me something about myself. I have seen this evident even more so since starting to apply the Law of Attraction to my daily life. In just the very act of trying to change my life around for the better, be more positive, more hopeful, closer in my walk with God and the process of exploring other avenues of inspiration, I have been met with road blocks set up by people in my life, new and old, who I thought would applaud me in my efforts.
I went through similar road blocks when I accepted God officially and started attending church. Discovering the new (renewed me) after being baptized, arrows were slung even by people who I thought would be over joyed. I was given opinions, rules to follow and obey or possibly be thrown out on my heels. I witnessed so many things that seemed opposite from what the Bible was teaching me. Since starting to put LOA into action 10 days ago, the journey seems very similar to that time in my life so long ago. Just as in that adventure in change, as in this one, I tread carefully, afraid of making a mistake and being judged by others.
I am a long standing member of the pessimist club, where worry, fret and negative vibes rule. Am I doing the right thing, am I doing it the right way? Will everyone be pleased and happy? Or will they be angry with me? Can anything go right without a major wrong following ? Can I get past them when they do ? I was sick of living this way. Not that I will ever be all sunshine and rainbows, that is not who I am, it is not in my DNA. But maybe I could live without the dark cloud over my head for the rest of my life.That alone would be a refreshing way to live.
I thought perhaps the Optimist Club might like this recent convert. Partially that is true, the doors have opened. Many have welcomed me with open arms. But apparently I do not get the secret hand shake down pat yet. I also do not know all the rules. Seemed simple enough in the beginning. Stay up beat, stay positive, ask/pray for what you need/want in life and be grateful for all that you have, be it big or small and learn to recognize and accept happiness. I really thought, " I GOT this!" But God and the Universe and well other members made me think "Not so quick. Not yet I don't"!
But, thinking I had, I started my lists, my prayers, listing my gratitudes each day. I started tuning out the negative and drawing in, concentrating on the positive; asking for what I want and need out of life. I drew from every resource that I came in contact with. Then I shared it here. That is what bloggers do. Many applauded. Cheered me on. Patted me on the back so to say. Understood what I was trying to do and wanted to become part of it. It was exciting. It was uplifting. The next chapter of my life!!! The rising of the Phoenix so to say, how could that not be the most amazing thing ? I must be on the right path. But then letters and notes from a few friends that I love dearly, respect, even live up to came in. They informed me I was messing with things better left alone, the tools I was using were wrong, negative and had holes in them , possibly even make quite the opposite happen in the long run from what I want. At first I wavered in my new found excitement, then I quivered in a bit of fear and doubt, what if they were right?? The card holding pessimist returned...really quick ! But something also made me upset and angry with these people. "How can positive messages be bad, no matter the source ?" I asked myself over and over. I even sat and prayed to God, had a good old heart to heart.
If I was to listen to some of the negativity, warnings, or what some are now telling me are tests and road blocks on my way to happiness , well then I guess if I am a Christian I am only allowed to get them from one place. I am only allowed to find happiness and positivity and abundance one way. No diversion from the path set up. This frustrated me. I mean I get it. I have read the bible, attended church, taught bible studies, though it has been a few years ( fibro causes massive panic attacks for some. I am one..so crowds and me....not happening ). I pray, I read scriptural passages ( may not remember enough to quote them ...blame fibro fog for that one) but I am also very open minded, accepting of other cultures, ways and lifestyles, to me that is part of being a Christian as well.
This is not the first time I have faced this. I have piercings. I have tattoos, cut my hair, color the gray, wear low cut tops and flirt....all are rule breakers according to some you may talk to. I have friends, close friends who are gay, my daughters live "in sin", so did I. I even have a few friends that are practicing religions that are earth based. Been told many times over the way I talk, what I watch on TV or listen to on the radio was not acceptable. I always got from the bible that one should not judge, that is Gods job. But here I was just trying to get my happy on, suddenly I was being judged on how I was doing it. Oh it came from the heart, from a good place, and I KNOW this. I appreciated it and I believe it or not respect what was said. But I have to admit I did not react in a positive manner, and for that I am so very sorry. Because as I am learning if you react in a negative manner, only more negativity will come from it and it is a horrible circle I do not wish to keep going. That dark cloud over my head will not go away if I do.
While this was going on ( it was not just from one source, it came from several. In many forms.), I lost a few followers on my fan page...well actually I lost friends that were followers. I am guessing partially since my blog is not about decor on a budget, daycations that involve hard hats and pearls or scenes from a mall they were simply no longer interested...OR... did I turn off, offend or anger my friends?? If that was the case, I wondered how some one that was supposedly a friend could stop being so because I wanted to find a positive way to live life and was sharing that. I do plan to try to mix it up...share all areas of my interests in life, but right now they will all be influenced by my use of LOA.
In the spirit of not every blog being so dang serious and soul searching as the last , well let's face it, couple of months or so have been , I posted the fun one the other day, all in pink. I designed cute outfits that if /when I had the chance I would buy similar to and wear ( did you know at one time in my life I was a window and wall display "stylist" for a clothing store??). I chatted about , tongue in cheek, what I want, all the girly things I miss doing or having. Suddenly it was wrong for me to share these cause they are materialistic; more than one person chided me. I was in shock. It was just a fun girly post! No different than dream interior blogs, or fashion blogs no one can afford, or fancy trips and houses. Just a girly girl missing some of the life's pleasures.
In this day and age, current standing in society, the things I listed were not important and I was making them so, at least in some peoples eyes. Again I was shocked at the reaction. Given a few of the people who said this do not know me, they think they do, and that does happen when one writes from the heart in a blog at first I let it go. But then when some comments came from people I thought did know me, I felt on some level I needed to explain, justify. So in came the disclaimer. While I was at it I added them to any that had the Tarot card readings used in their content. I wanted to doubly make sure that the readers knew I was not practicing, nor putting power into dark arts. I simply wanted to share a positive message that I had read and embraced. I felt good and bad about the disclaimers all at the same time. Why was I justifying, explaining myself ? And in the next moment going back to feeling I needed to. Told you , card holding pessimist here...negative feelings, actions and reactions rule. I have a struggle with two steps forward and three back.
Before you think this is an angry, hurt rant at my nay sayers...cause it is not....well maybe a little. It did sting I will admit. I DO appreciate and value their opinion. In the end however I have to choose my own road, right or wrong in others eyes. I have to do what is right for me. Just know I have not sold my soul, not even been tempted. I have liberated it , let it soar ...or at least start to take flight . It has been in a very dark place long before my husband lost his job, we lost our home and all our belongings. Long before we were in debt, living pay check to pay check and groveling to fill in the blanks just to get by . I am excited by the wing I feel beneath my wings ( cheesy I know) in this beginning part of the journey to happiness and becoming a member of the Optimist Club.
Living the life of a card holding pessimist takes a lot of energy and work. It is exhausting to say the least! I KNOW you would not think so, that it takes more to be happy than unhappy, but I truly think they are about equal, and that is why there is a tug a war going on in my head and heart. NOT one raged by good and evil. But one created by me. That to me is harder to win, harder to maintain and harder to outlast. Like a game of Survivor! BUT I DO WANT TO WIN! I want to be accepted into the club of people who have come before me and succeeded. I am willing to over come what I need to do, to make that happen.I know God wants that for me too, and that is an amazing feeling.
There was a WONDERFUL upside to all the negative road blocks created, though am still sort of tripping over them. So many wonderful, positive, Godly, happy people came out of the wood work to support me, to turn the frown to a smile. To talk me back through the door of the Optimist Club. Even long standing members told me they still struggle, sometimes daily, but just do not broadcast it, but work through it, stop and hit that re-set button and continue on. I started spotting Bible quotes seemingly answering what I prayed about after the good and bad encounters. Positive quotes seemingly telling me in direct correlation to the days events that I was headed in the right direction and would indeed be tripped up from time to time...to get past it.... ( yes even through tarot card readings sent to my email) I saw videos posted on Facebook, the rest of the day and evening renewing my faith and my resolve as well. It was actually incredible. So uplifting, empowering!! I could see the LOA/ God's power in work, even as I was being negative. I felt renewed to get back up on the horse and try again...re-enter those front doors of the OC.
Many prayers have been answered, wants met, even a desire or two that were materialized in the last 10 days since starting .Worries put to rest, hurdles over come. And on more than one occasion the people have told me they were moved by God to help, be it in the form of a kind word or a gentle nudge or in the form of helping us keep the bills paid. I know that many see the Law Of Attraction as being separate from God, because you are asking the Universe to create your new reality. But because I believe God created the Universe, well I am directly asking God, and God is answering. As my Mom put it the other day "God is good!"
The way I am doing it and the way I am receiving the messages may not fit all the rules ( always been a rule breaker anyway) but it, for now is working for me. That is not to say, that path might not change or I may stray off it and explore other paths. Me sharing my journey with you all via my blog may make some of you that joined for the budget decor, daycation road trips or scenes from a mall quit reading/following . But for those of you that take this journey with me I promise, ok I hope, it will be a positive one and you will be there when I get the hand shake right and get pinned with the badge of honorary optimist. Then just watch me soar!