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You have to understand, not only am I really new to keeping the faith, but was also raised by a father than has zero faith. Yes, I believe in God etc, and that takes a level of faith. We also know I waver on a dime with that belief and always have. It is not how I want to be. It is not what I desire of myself. I really admire people who can no matter what life dishes out have faith that God meant it to be. Could be the worst thing in the world and their faith never wavers as they KNOW it is all part of the overall plan for them. True serenity must be a part of this un-yielding faith in something and someone they can not see. I wish I was less fly by night with it all. I am trying. Working hard at it. Someone told me that it is much easier to not have faith than to have it. They were 100% right !
Here is the other thing. To have faith, to believe and to find that elusive serenity/happiness level, I think you have to also trust. Trust is a very hard thing for me. Some of you may be old enough to remember that old game where you knocked away blocks of ice trying to make your opponents piece fall through...well I always lost. My life has been like that. Told you I was for most of my last 44 years a pessimist. Being one always made me pretty sure that those ice blocks were going to fall out from underneath me. That God had this mallet and he was whacking away...other side of that coin, is I guess in a way I had a form of faith and belief.
Law of Attraction would say that I created my life being that way, made it happen simply because I already believed it to be true, had faith in my life always being that way. I trusted that bad things were going to happen, and if anything good happened, it would for sure be followed by bad. I have had many good, even great moments, but perhaps without knowing it, I sabotaged it all and made it all crumble away. It was always a good thing that my husband was the polar opposite than me, always seeing the rainbows in the clouds, the silver linings never hid from him and his faith was boundless! He was my back up man so more good things would happen. Always it seemed that in the last minute , while hanging by our fingernails and it seemed that we were doomed to fall into the pits, something nothing short of a miracle would happen. Day saved. Despite my gloom and doom predictions.
Where am I going with all this you ask? Well you know I had what some called a blip, a few back steps and well what I called a full blown, I am giving up melt down. Oh come on , you know that is what it was. Drama Queen had her crown set and secure. I had every worse scenario happening because we were to be about 90.00 short on the bills and had to do without 100.00 on our groceries....oh and let us not forget no coffee or doughnuts out for at least the next 14 days! Dear , um , God , what would become of us ? How would we ever get past this month. Heck I was calling in the black cloud reinforcements for every month to come ....YEP, if I am going to doom things, I do it good. Easier to be negative than positive as another wise friend told me just today. I am a pro. I deserve awards!! Anyway, got on a roll , sorry about that!
You also know if you read yesterday, and if you did not, um WHY? Go to archives, scoll to January, and click SERENITY. Anyway, after 24 hours and a good walk, and free coffee and well a sly slipping of my punch card back to me for a later day. I let go of the fear and let a bit of my faith seep back in. Not much mind you. But will get to that soon. I figured if I juggled the money around, and cleared out our meager savings and drew upon the buffer I had rebuilt in the checking ( one you are supposed to ignore, there to cover possible bounces) I could make up the difference and get all the bills and rent paid. We would be busted, but things would be paid and on time. I could make it work. Then go on faith that I could also make the grocery money stretch further than most times and still not live on cheerios, the generic form of course, for the next two weeks. I was able to breathe and relax just a tad, positive meter slid a bit back up. And then it dipped.
In the crack in my whole positive thinking, LOA, believing, faith filled happiness thing , I let doubt and lack of faith take over and the meter dropped again. I started wondering if it was going to do any darn good to have the write to Ellen link to the side of the blog, no one really clicks it. Certainly none of the letters I have written in have done any good that I am aware of. I was feeling also that maybe readers were turned off by it. I posted to FB asking for opinions and it was split. Seriously, down the proverbial center and I flipped back and forth so much I think I got sick to my stomach because of it. I hate asking for charity. I am not one to ask for any kind of help, accepting it in my day to day life, yeah not so great at it. Frustrates the heck out of my husband . Drove a wedge between me and some friends. So to me having it there on one hand offered hope, but also represented charity. BUT , yet I really need that hope. I am sure my teeth throbbing did not help my state of mind. Then my husband came home.
I have mentioned that he is once again, after also being an Eeyore of sorts the last two years, no longer able to see rainbows and silver linings, has been , with my nagging, really working to get his faith and positivity back. I had written that he had said he would see what he could make happen. Well, he came home while I was wrestling with my morals and said he had gone online and checked out our credit card account that we recently closed and make sure it was all settled. There was a credit. Just over 40.00 had been credited back to us....nearly half of what we need. Of course one small detail, we need to order a new card as we had cut ours up, and it could take till the last minute to arrive and we do need it to use the credit up. BUT it should be here in five days. One day before the last bill is due! He had done it, he had pulled the rabbit out of the hat, not even really trying this time and despite my lack of faith. Though I must mention I did pray to God the night before and write a prayer in my journal etc. so perhaps there was some help there. Oh and on a great note, we were able to stretch that 100.00 and buy enough food, though nothing over the top and I will be eating cereal for lunches and more vegies for supper, but we even had enough for meat for a few nights and money left over as well. Faith renewed...well till next time.
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”