|Serenity Angel willowtree.com|
My husband had gotten paid, so it was time to do the bills, set aside the rest for rent and see what would be leftover for coffee out here and there ( It being my one indulgence I allow that I have left.) for the next two weeks till pay day rolls around again. I pulled up the account, checked off things that had cleared and made note of pending items, one of which was my husbands pay check. It was only for 300.00. I added up the bills and we will be nearly 100.00 short. I called and asked if he had gotten grocery money out, he had. I said, "Well guess we can eat more pasta , hamburger dishes and eggs so that I can skim off the needed cash for the bills, skipping extras should put us close, if need be, we could skim a tiny bit from what little savings we have." He got very quiet. He said that January had been a lot slower than hoped for, a rough month, and that he had already cut the grocery money down by 100.00 to be able to deposit what he had. So that was that. I could not breathe. All that positive thinking, keeping the faith, believing in God, the universe and law of attraction went right out the proverbial window. To pay the bills, we would have to clear out the not even 100.00 in our savings, and hope that I could work magic with the menu and stretch it out for under what he had put away so bills would be paid. None of them could be late, they are all things like utilities and insurances. He was quiet again and then said, he will make it work, he will look at things and maybe something would happen so we would not have to remove from the savings that I had each month been working so hard to rebuild, going without basics and especially without extras to make happen. He was faithful, using the positive thinking exercises I had been urging HIM to use. Instead of me being proud, grateful that he was jumping on board in such a huge way, believing in it all as I had been "preaching" I fell into a funk. A switch had flipped that quick, and I could not hit the reset button.
I chatted with friends on Facebook and Twitter sharing my need to be uplifted, for them to flip the switch. Searching through all the positive quotes and posts that I subscribe to . They all tried and some of the quotes helped, but just could not do it. By the time my husband came home, I was on the couch, in a ball. My stress from the knowledge that bills would be over due, again, had started a fibro flair. That then also triggered with the cold I am already battling my teeth to start hurting. Not eating much had made me queasy and cranky. Hubby did his best, cooking supper, pouring a glass of wine, and cleaning up the dishes. He suggled in and we watched a funny movie after supper, but there just was no laughter inside of me. I had let the negativity take over.
We retired for the evening. I wrote out my ten things I am grateful for, not as easy as one would think a lot of times, most of the ten I repeat each night. I poured my heart out to my journal and popped in the ear plugs and sank down under the electric blanket. Praying for peace, serenity, an answer and finally sleep. Rarely if ever do I get much of the latter of that. But last night I got some actual sleep. I felt actually rested, though not uplifted. I got up, pulled on my walking clothes and sweater cap to hide the hair...no mascara or lipstick for me today, that went out the window ...just wanted to get it done with. I was bummed by yesterday, I was bummed by the number on the scale which had dipped to a low I had not seeing in ages just days ago, to now being up by over a pound....guess it was that darn pink doughnut. I pushed myself out the door and was on my way. At least the sun was shining. Even at 36 degrees with the sun out I was able to remove my gloves, unwrap my scarf and feel a bit warmed.
I took my normal route. Apprehension set in as there had been an accident involving a pedestrian right where I cross nearly every day. But I kept going. I tried hard to enjoy the songs of the birds, and the few early blossoms popping out from the unexpected Spring like weather. Nothing was working. So I prayed. Ok not at first, at first I fussed and fumed and acknowledged how I was feeling. The fear. The anger, frustration and the exhaustion from living on the brink. Not being able to enjoy life , not really. Not feeling so very grateful for the inability to take care of my health, my dental needs , buy basic clothing that I need, having to wear the same outfits that are not in the best of shape day in and day out when I once was a fashionable person. Missing the nice hair salon and my stylist that always made me look great....feeling my hair was butchered at the 10.00 special place. Hating that a 1.49 coffee was a luxury and if I could get a doughnut that was living the high life. Hating that my day consists of the same routine day in and day out to the point that the boredom makes me numb. The pity party was in full swing. A word popped into my head. Serenity. Then one of my prayer poems that I love, sure second best to "Footsteps" , but still a good one. So I repeated it to myself and then I prayed for God to wash me of all the negative thoughts, allowed myself a deep breath and then cleared my mind best I could.
I still had one more free coffee coming to me at the local gas station I always stop at. Jane at the counter took my card, did not charge me for the ten cent overage ( as I like the medium not the free small one) and I said "This is the last one for a while, bad month." We talked some as there was no customers. I shared with her that indeed I could brew my own coffee, but that stopping in a few times a week and seeing her, always being greeted with a bright "Hello" and sent on my way with a "Have a great day" and splurging on that cup of coffee was my sunny spot often the brightest part of my day. Something I always looked forward to and had given up a few others things in which to have.She slipped me my freebie card back with a smile and I said a quiet thanks and put it in my pocket, one more freebie was to come my way. My spirit had lifted, as it had often done with my daily stop in to that gas station and the smile, warmth and gift of understanding and that free coffee . I told Jane to also "Have a GREAT day!" and left with a smile.
I got home and there on the counter was a note from my hubby saying in colorful letters that he loved me. I hopped onto the computer and moved the savings around, and told him via text, we would make it work, savings would be gone, but bills would be paid. I logged into the email and all my wonderful positive email newsletters awaited me. I went onto twitter and the lovely ladies from Queen of Your Own life had left me a tweet, as had Paula Abdul's cousin Tara, both with positive messages. I hit the entry button for Publishers Clearing House and did the entry search for Serenity Prayer. And then came here to my blog to share with all of you.
Originally I was not going to share my falling off the happiness,positive thinking, hopeful, faithful, LOA, believing wagon, but then I suddenly it hit me "Perhaps doing so will turn someone elses day around!"..."What if showing that despite everything, I could eventually flip that switch again on my own, and in a short period of time...." so here I am. And here is the poem. I hope that if you are having one of those days, or even weeks, that you will call upon this, and as Maya Angelou says " find the rainbow in the clouds..."! If you are not, and you are in a bright place at the moment and you see the rainbows everywhere, then file this away for a later date so that no matter what you can always find serenity.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
(Although known most widely in its abbreviated form above,
the entire prayer reads as follows...)
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.