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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Marching Forward.

Ok, ok, I know what a "punny" title for a blog. Not very original either. But it is how I feel, like I need to march forward...mainly because I feel like the entire last two weeks I have been sliding backwards. I do not know if tis the weather, hormones,the physical pain and exhaustion that is my existence, perhaps it is life not becoming much better and just tired of struggling, boredom of each day being the same like Groundhog Day, or even that we did not win Publishers Clearing House...maybe even a combo of it all. I have that numb feeling again. Not really blue or depressed. Not overly happy either. Just numb.

I just move through the day in a haze. I get my chores done. I get my walk when I can, as weather allows, though I am glad when it is over.  I clear my email. I check Twitter and Facebook and then I go back to watching tv. It just all seems very mechanical and I am not finding anything very interesting. My stacks of magazines go unread, I am not into my books as I normally am. The day ends as it begins without much variance.Many of you would read this and say "Yep, she is depressed." But see as I said I do not feel blue, do not feel like crying, I get up each day and go through my routine as I do each day...but then maybe I am, maybe this is what it feels like and I just do not realize it.

The odd thing, is I still feel hopeful. Still finding things to be grateful for each evening, even if on certain days I can see them being very repetitive as well. I still find the positive side of things. And I still believe that one day my dreams and goals will come true. I am still implementing the Law of Attraction and though we did not win PCH, believe both God and the Universe just have other plans. I have been seeing it small ways. I have been able to get my nails done every three weeks, always just in need of a fill so that it costs less. Just in the last two weeks I have been able to buy some T shirts and even some girly jewelry and mascara ( though have not worn any of need or desire) . We have been able to buy enough food to eat better, bills are being paid, and we have made the rent, and hopefully will know that we will make next months come the 5th when hubby gets paid this point it is expected that we will, so that will mean one more month of a roof over our head. I have even been able to buy coffee out here and there AND get a doughnut with it! Not daily, but a couple times a week. We shall even , though it was the smallest ever , with our tax return make it so I can go to the clinic and get my lady visits over and done with and perhaps have lunch out after. So though still struggling and just getting by, there has been some positive things in the last couple months of working hard at the whole LOA thing. Even my hubby says that he is having less days of feeling negative and more days of feeling like his old self, more positive. So that is why I can not figure out why I feel numb and indifferent as far as everything in life.

Again, I know it might be a form of depression. And I have felt this way before, yet not. When I have felt this way before, I have always just sat like a zombie on the couch or in front of the computer and played video games, yet I am not in the mood to do that either. So obviously I am not going backwards. And I certainly do not want to stay in this holding pattern, so I need to figure out how to march forward and change whatever it is that needs changing...just have to figure out what that is. I will keep you informed as always what that is.

I know this is not the most thrilling of blogs to read right now, so will forgive you if you care not to. But of course always appreciate those that stick with me and ride out this thing called life ,with all it's ups and downs and twists and turns . The great thing is you will never know what is around the corner here at my blog cause it has no rules , no theme, and no rhyme or reason, just like life.

1 comment:

  1. :-) "The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience. Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around.... Throughout history, "tender loving care" has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing. " ~Larry Dossey


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